Want Need Desire
by T'Key'la
Summary: Love takes all sorts of forms. For Jim, one of those desires is to submit to Spock. WARNING: Consensual corporal punishment. No brutality. But this is an adult story with adult situations. Very firmly "M".
1. Chapter 1

_**Want Need Desire**_

_A/N: Okay, this is "different" from many of my stories. It does (and will) contain discussions and images of consensual spanking. If this isn't your cup of tea, please don't read! I don't want to offend anyone. But sometimes stories demand to be written and this is one of those. How could I deny my two favorite non-real boys anything? Really??? If you do read it, thanks. Let me know what you think._

_

* * *

  
_

"Jim," Spock said into the ear of his lover. They were collecting themselves after the latest round of fiery love-making, both still breathing heavier than they normally did.

"Yeah," Jim murmured, his face half buried in the pillow, his left arm flung over Spock's hotter-than-ever stomach. The beating of Spock's heart echoed against Jim's side, bringing additional comfort.

"What is it you want?" Spock asked quietly.

"What?" Jim said, not bothering to rouse himself enough to really consider the question.

"What do you want?"

Jim finally gathered the strength required to raise up on one elbow and look down at Spock. Their bond had been fully open while they were physically joined and had closed to a trickle as they recovered. Jim could feel Spock's thoughts searching for something, trying to find the answer. "I have what I want," Jim responded, kissing Spock's mouth in proof.

"I do not doubt that you love me. Nor do I doubt that you are sexually satisfied." Spock paused, watching Jim for any reaction. When there was none, Spock continued, his hand stroking the strong muscular back of his lover. "There is some desire which you have never voiced. An unfulfilled need which leaves you not completely satisfied."

Jim glanced quickly away from Spock, laying his head down on the chest beneath him. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"It is not possible nor necessary for you to lie to me, t'hy'la. I am aware of the space that is left empty. I wish to know what I can do to fill that void," Spock said in a warm voice. There was no accusation in his tone, only coaxing. He wasn't at all angry at Jim, although he was capable of it. Jim knew that his carefully controlled emotions were just that – carefully controlled, not nonexistent.

Jim lay still where he was, considering Spock's words. What would Spock think if he confessed, finally admitted to an itch that he could not scratch, didn't know if he wanted it scratched? "What do you think it is?" Jim finally asked softly.

"I do not know. You have been careful to hide its existence from me. If I did not believe it is preventing you from full completion, I would not ask."

"I'm complete, as long as I have you," Jim rushed to assure him, raising once more up on his elbow.

"Yes. As you are a part of me. Yet…." Spock let his voice trail off, waiting to see if Jim would fill in the blank he had left for him.

"I… uhm… it's kind of hard to explain," Jim said, feeling the color rise in his cheeks.

"I had assumed as much, as you are so clearly reluctant to share it with me," Spock said patiently.

"It's just that… sometimes… not all the time… but sometimes… I want to be… uhm… well… that is…"

"Just say it, Jim," Spock said, his voice with a harder edge to it.

"I want to be spanked," Jim finally confessed softly, hiding his face in Spock's neck.

"That is all?" Spock asked warmly.

"All?" Jim repeated in surprise, lifting his head to look at Spock. "I'm a fucking starship Captain. What makes it okay to want to be punished like a small child?"

"It is about being punished and comforted and giving away control," Spock assured him gently.

"How the hell do you know that?" Jim demanded.

"It is not unheard of, love."

"Have you witnessed it?"

"I have not. Nor have I participated in it. I have read the classified files on the behavior of those in positions of command. It is not unusual for each person to find his own level of comfort and release. You have also read them. You know of the unusual behaviors in which some captains engage. That you wish to receive corporal punishment is not a concern to me."

"It sure as hell is a concern to me," Jim stated. "It's weird bordering on… sick. I can't believe we're even discussing it."

"If you wished to inflict that sort of punishment on your crew, that would be deviant. Wishing to receive that sort of treatment is not."

"Are you sure?" Jim asked, still skeptical although he would never doubt his t'hy'la's facts. It just didn't make a lot of sense to Jim, and he couldn't quite understand why Spock was being so calm about it. He felt like he was about to freak out, and Spock could be talking about warp core variables. "I mean… what if the crew found out? What if Bones found out? I could lose my command."

"Are you considering it?" Spock asked. He was studying his t'hy'la to try and determine if these questions represented a possible acceptance of his barely acknowledged need.

"I don't know," Jim admitted. "It's… a big step. And how would you feel about it? You abhor all violence. Could you do it for me… to me?"

"I do not know," Spock responded honestly.

"Then why are we even discussing it?" Jim asked, laying his head back on Spock's chest, the matter closed as far as he was concerned.

"We are discussing it because we need to do so. And if we do choose to actively pursue this activity, we will need to inform Dr. McCoy."

"Why?" Jim asked in his half-asleep state.

"So he will be prepared. I doubt he will be surprised," Spock assured him.

"'Kay," Jim said, his eyes fluttering closed. "'ll talk 'bout it 'morrow."

"Yes we will," Spock agreed, kissing Jim's head and feeling him fall completely asleep on top of him.

~o0o~

"Spock," Jim said the next morning when he woke alone in their bed.

"Jim," Spock replied, rounding the divider to sit on the edge of the bed to look down at his very sleepy bondmate.

"What time is it?" Jim asked, trying to get his eyes to stay open.

"0740," Spock said, caressing his ruffled hair. "Go back to sleep, love."

Ordinarily, Jim was wide awake by that hour of the day. But he had learned to sleep when afforded the opportunity, especially his day off when they were not in a dangerous area. Jim shook his head into his pillow, raising up just a little. "I don't want to waste our day off."

"It will not be wasted if you sleep for another hour," Spock pointed out.

"Then I won't have the time to spend with you," Jim said with a slow smile curving his mouth.

"I see," Spock said in indulgent humor. "Are you hungry?"

"Yeah. But I don't want to eat just yet. I want to…talk about last night. And the conversation we had," Jim said, his blue eyes looking steadily at Spock.

"Of course," Spock agreed. "I do not know that you could have actually considered it any further, however. As you only just woke."

Jim shrugged one shoulder at that. "Like you guessed, it's not like I haven't thought about it. I don't like admitting it to myself, much less to you."

"Admitting to your secret?" Spock asked in clarification.

"Yeah. If I decided that's what I really want, they'll have to be some ground rules."

"Naturally," Spock agreed.

"And have you decided you can do it? You can punish me?" Jim asked firmly, refusing to back down from the idea now that it was in the open.

"I believe that I can," Spock decided. "It will cause you pain but not so much that you will suffer injury. I can block your sensations."

Jim nodded at that, sitting up on their bed, his legs crossed in front of him, the light sheet over his lap in order to prevent either of them from being too distracted. Spock was dressed in his leisure clothes, a black shirt over soft draw-string pants. "What will Bones say?"

"To be careful. He will not be surprised."

Jim nodded again, looking down at the bed. "You're sure you don't think I'm sick for wanting this?"

Spock gently lifted Jim's chin, looking steadily into those worried blue eyes. "I do not. I understand. Why did you continually start fights in drinking establishments?"

"I didn't always start them," Jim denied.

Spock raised one eyebrow. "But you joined them once they did start."

"Yeah," Jim had to admit.

"Why, t'hy'la? Why intentionally put yourself in a position where you would most likely be injured?"

"For the pain," Jim acknowledged. "It was sometimes the only thing that made me feel alive. And as much as I hate doctors, at least they are nice to you when you're injured."

"Exactly. You were cared for and comforted. Protected. And the pain would be at an end. You had gotten your adrenaline rush and were ready to come down from it."

Jim nodded in reluctant agreement. "I guess Bones knew. Knows."

"Undoubtedly. He continues to be extremely protective of you. In a way you will accept only from him."

"That's true. But I don't want him to .. you know."

"You must say it, Jim," Spock coaxed.

"Admit it? Use the word?" Jim asked.

"Yes."

"I don't want him to spank me. I want you to," Jim said, looking at Spock in the eye. He felt a tiny glow of pride when Spock nodded in approval. "Ground rules?"

"Yes," Spock said, thoughtfully silent for a few minutes. "It can only be a day when we are off-duty."

"Definitely. There are days I have enough trouble sitting down already," Jim said with a pleased smirk.

"As I am aware," Spock agreed, trying to sound disapproving but failing miserably. "I will decide on the times at which the punishment will be given, as well as the duration of each session."

"What if I can't take it all?" Jim asked, needing to know all of the rules before he committed.

"There will be a safeword. If it becomes unbearable to you, you will alert me."

"Okay," Jim agreed.

"The first few times, Dr. McCoy will come immediately afterwards. This is for the mental and physical well being of not just you but all of us."

"You'll tell him first, right?" Jim asked to make sure.

"We will discuss it together. All of us," Spock said.

Jim had to nod at that. "What if I want it when you aren't planning for it?"

"You will be allowed to request it from me. I will decide whether or not to provide you the punishment."

"Okay," Jim said.

"When we are engaged in the activity, you will be obedient to me. This will not in any way effect the command structure. I will require your acquiescence only during the time you are submitting to me."

"Submitting to you," Jim said, tasting the words.

"That is what we are discussing, t'hy'la. It is not simply about corporal punishment. It is about relinquishing control."

"Is that what I want?" Jim asked, staring at Spock as though he held the answers.

"Yes. If it is not, this conversation is concluded."

"Submission," Jim said, as much in agreement as acknowledgment. Spock nodded again in approval.

"More likely than not, love," Jim said, feeling the color rise again in his cheeks, "when you spank me, I'll be aroused by it."

"As you are by the idea of it," Spock said with warmth, glancing down at Jim's semi-erect cock.

"Uh huh. Will you do something about it when it happens?"

"Generally. If you deserve it," Spock said, leaning closer to kiss him gently, softening the words.

"So it will be like that?"

"Yes it will. Do you have reservations about these rules?"

"I don't think so," Jim said. "I guess we'll only know if it works once we've tried it."

"Agreed. Do you wish for me to ask Dr. McCoy to come to our quarters to discuss it?"

Jim inhaled sharply at the words, his eyes wide. "Right now?"

"Now. Or not at all," Spock said firmly, testing the waters to see if Jim intended to stay in them or wade to the shore.

"Now," Jim agreed, watching Spock go to the intercom and ask Dr. McCoy if he had the time to stop by. No urgency. McCoy confirmed he was unoccupied and would be there shortly. Jim smiled in delight when Spock returned to the bed with a steaming cup of coffee. "Thank you, t'hy'la."

"So you will be fully awake when the doctor arrives," Spock teased.

"Mmm…." Jim said, handing the cup back to Spock. "I need to pee. And put on some pajamas."

Spock nodded, enjoying the chance to watch as Jim climbed off of the bed, crossing slowly to the bathroom so that Spock was afforded ample opportunity to enjoy the view. When he emerged, he accepted the soft pants and light tee shirt to put them on, sitting on the love seat next to Spock.

He sipped the delicious coffee as they waited for Bones. Jim was much less nervous than he thought he ought to be but maybe that came from knowing what he wanted and finally having the courage to say it. He should have known Spock would know, or figure it out.

"Do you know how much I love you?" Jim asked into the comfortable silence.

"I have some idea," Spock teased, kissing his head. "Approximately the same as I love you."

"Approximately?" Jim laughed.

Spock shrugged one shoulder at that, inviting the doctor to enter when he sounded the chime.

"What's up?" Bones asked as he entered their living area, sitting in one of the comfortable chairs.

"Would you care for a cup of coffee, Leonard?" Spock asked.

"Sure. If Jim can spare it," Bones laughed.

"For you," Jim agreed with a smile.

Spock soon brought the doctor his coffee, sitting again next to Jim. "Jim and I have talked about an unfulfilled desire on his part."

Bones nodded at that, eyeing them speculatively. "Okay."

"Jim wishes for me to administer corporal punishment," Spock said smoothly.

"He wants you to spank him," Bones repeated in agreement.

"You aren't surprised?" Jim asked, surprised by Bones' lack of it.

"No. Better than you going to bars to have the hell beaten out of you," Bones said.

"I'm not that bad," Jim protested.

"Not any longer, t'hy'la," Spock assured him, kissing his head.

"There was a time," Bones reminded Jim, sipping from his cup.

Jim could only shrug at that. "So you don't think I'm weird for wanting Spock to spank me?"

"Not in the least," Bones assured him. "I know you'll be careful."

"And you will come after the first few times to check on him?" Spock requested.

"Certainly. I doubt it will be necessary but I'll come. You have rules?"

"We do," Spock agreed. He listed them fairly succinctly, Bones nodding.

"Alright. Don't let it leech over into everyday. That is my sole reservation," Bones said.

"We will be vigilante. Jim will not allow it," Spock reminded him.

"You're awfully quiet, Jim. You sure this is what you want?" Bones asked gently.

"I'm sure. I'm just really embarrassed," Jim admitted.

"It's an odd request, I grant you. But again, safer than bar brawls. And not so unusual for someone in your position."

"Are you sure?" Jim asked, needing the additional reassurance.

"Absolutely. Everyone needs a release valve, kid. This is yours. And you get to feel the pain you secretly want but deny you do," McCoy said.

"That's weird too, though. Wanting Spock to hurt me."

"Not really. It's temporary and when it's over, it's over. Spock will comfort you and make it all better. That's what you really want," Bones said knowingly.

"Okay. So I need to stop worrying about wanting it," Jim said.

"Precisely. And if at any time you need me to come, you know I will. I won't interfere but if I have to referee, I will."

"Understood," Spock said with a nod. "Are you still hungry, t'hy'la?"

"Uh huh," Jim agreed, standing to stretch. "Have you eaten?" he asked Bones.

"No. You going to the mess?"

"I'd rather stay here. Spock?" Jim asked with a smile.

"That is my preference as well," Spock agreed, gazing up at Jim in open admiration.

Jim nodded, going to his replicator for three breakfasts, the usual for them each.

* * *

_TBC_

_End note: Yes, I'm starting it slowly. I want to make sure you still want to read it. Next chapter - **it** will start. Hope to hear from you!_


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Hey, you came back, so thanks! The warnings from chapter 1 are in FULL effect here. Don't like consensual corporal punishment? Please don't read. Thanks!_

_

* * *

  
_

Three weeks went by after their discussion, days filled with away missions and semi-hostile encounters and paperwork and briefings. It was also filled with no days off for any of the command crew. Finally deciding that no one could live like that, Starfleet conceded enough to allow them to meander across a barely inhabitant region, minimal work undertaken by any of the crew, and the command staff were to spend the time away from their duties as much as they possibly could.

The first day of their enforced break was spent sleeping and catching up on personal business – eating real meals, responding to personal inquires, and for Spock and Jim – making love, slow and sweet, hot and passionate, quick and satisfying.

Jim went to bed before Spock that night, falling asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was vaguely aware of Spock joining him some time later, and he scooted closer to the warmer body, absorbing his comforting presence.

"Wake up," Spock's voice said the next morning, a hard edge that was not normally present.

Jim's eyes popped open, wondering automatically what the problem was. "What's wrong? Are we under attack?" He was wide awake, sitting up on their bed, trying to listen for signs of danger. Their bond was quiet, no alarm coming from Spock's thoughts. Jim was barely even aware of Spock's mental activity.

"The ship is fine. It is time for you to be up, JT," Spock said firmly, hands on his hips as he studied his bondmate. He was dressed in his customary off-duty attire, black pants and shirt, looking sexy and slightly foreboding.

"JT?" Jim asked with a frown.

"You need to get out of bed and go to the bathroom. You will then return here to me," Spock ordered.

His tone and stance finally sunk into Jim's brain. So it was today that it would start. He was submitting to Spock today. Now that he understood, he hastened to comply. Jim quickly left the bed, going to their bathroom to empty his bladder and brush his teeth. His heart was racing and his cheeks were fiery red but he would not back down now that Spock had issued the challenge. He had asked for this. The only remaining question was how he would handle it.

"I'm done," Jim said when he returned, his voice carefully free of challenge. He was standing in front of Spock who was sitting in one of their comfortable chairs, studying his bondmate's beautiful bare body.

Spock leaned forward slightly, fisting Jim's semi-erect cock. "Did you touch yourself unnecessarily, JT?"

Jim shook his head, willing his erection to melt away. But Spock's hot coaxing hand was giving his penis a will of its own. "No."

Spock raised one eyebrow at the answer, looking up at him expectantly.

"No sir," Jim amended to Spock's nods. Spock's thoughts which were available to him were only warm and loving, not cold or scolding as was his expression. It was an interesting dichotomy, one which Jim would have to sort out. Eventually.

"Do you want a cup of coffee?" Spock asked casually as if he was not in the process of nearly bringing his lover to climax.

"Uhmmm…." Jim could only lick his lips, staring down at Spock's hand, his hips thrusting forward by themselves. Spock free hand grasped his hip bone, stilling him.

"Coffee?" Spock repeated.

Jim shook his head, his breathing coming in snatches. "Later, please, sir?"

"Yes," Spock agreed. He withdrew both hands, Jim gasping in loss.

"Please," Jim said, his hips again thrusting toward Spock in unfulfilled need.

"I will decide when, JT. You will be allowed release, providing you deserve it."

"Yes, sir," Jim said quietly, standing still and staring down at his erection in quiet desperation.

"In the bottom most drawer of my bureau, there is a paddle and a cock ring. Go and get them and bring them to me," Spock ordered.

"Yes sir," Jim said, still breathless but for a different reason. A paddle. He hadn't factored that into his consideration. And now that it was a possibility, what did he think? His brain was apparently concentrating only on his erection which was growing firmer instead of softer, all blood rushing to that particular part of his anatomy.

He opened the bottom drawer, taking out the small wooden paddle and the leather cock ring. He couldn't even imagine where Spock had gotten them and knew now was not the time to be asking.

Jim returned to where Spock was sitting in the center of the loveseat, extending the paddle and cock ring silently to Spock, an offering and promise of humility. Spock accepted them with a nod, leaning a little forward to draw Jim closer with warm hands of his hips.

"Spread your legs," Spock coaxed, caressing the inside of Jim's thighs, one of his most sensitive areas. Strokes there never failed to elicit a response and Jim gasped at the touch. "Spread your legs, JT," Spock repeated, a little firmer this time.

Jim moved his feet further apart, holding his breath as Spock reached between his thighs, very carefully fastening the cock ring around Jim's erection.

"Is it hurting you?" Spock asked, rubbing his tummy above the caramel curls.

Jim's tongue was peeking out between his slightly parted lips as he shook his head. Spock raised a warning eyebrow. "No sir," Jim amended.

"If it gets too tight, you are to tell me," Spock reminded hum.

"Yes sir," Jim agreed.

"What is the safeword, love?" Spock asked, still stroking Jim's hard stomach.

"Parking brake, sir," Jim said.

Spock nodded at that. "And if you need to slow down, what will you say?"

"First gear, sir."

"Yes," Spock agreed. "Lay face down."

Jim climbed onto the loveseat, draping himself across Spock's lap, his bottom raised by Spock's legs. His head was supported by a pillow Spock had placed at just the right position, his semi-rigid cock nestled between Spock's thighs.

"Are you ready?" Spock asked, rubbing Jim's hard mounds.

"Yes sir," Jim agreed breathlessly.

"Ask me to begin," Spock instructed, still petting his bottom.

"Please, love, will you spank me?" Jim asked firmly, only a little hesitant to voice what he knew he wanted. There was a pulse of approval and affirmation from their bond then it was quiet.

"I will, JT. Because you asked. And only because I love you," Spock said. With that, Spock lifted his hand and landed it on Jim's hard, muscular backside. Jim jerked slightly as the first blow landed, hard enough to make an impression on his skin and his mind but not so hard that he could not bear the thought of more. As Spock continued to hit him, the squirming becoming more pronounced in his unconscious effort to evade the hand hurting him. "You will lay still," Spock warned, his left hand firmly in the middle of Jim's back.

"Yes sir," Jim said breathlessly, his voice breaking as Spock hit him with more force. _God but it hurt_. More than he had thought. Each time Spock hit him, the pain radiated up and out, spreading all over his body. His jaw hurt from clinching his teeth against crying out; his head was beginning to ache; and his ass was most definitely on fire. _And_ his cock was rock hard, the ring the only thing stopping him from coming all over Spock's thighs.

Fighting upstream against the pain was the realization that the spanking was slowing, the blows becoming lighter. That flooded him with relief. The pain was far greater than he had anticipated and he thought he had had enough for their first time.

"You did well, JT," Spock said in approval, carefully rubbing over the very hot, very red skin of Jim's swollen ass. He could see that there would be some hand shaped bruises left over after they finished and he wasn't entirely sure how he felt about that.

"Thank you sir," Jim whispered with what breath he could spare to speak.

"We will rest a moment then we will begin with the paddle," Spock told him.

"Oh," Jim said, his anxiety leaking across the bond. "I thought… uhm… I mean…."

"Who is in charge?" Spock asked firmly.

"You are, sir," Jim had to concede.

"You were given a chance to change your mind. You did not take it. Now is too late," Spock reminded him, a hard pat on his hot skin reinforcing Spock's intent.

"Yes sir," Jim agreed softly.

"Do you want to ask me to stop?"

"No sir," Jim said, the words out of his mouth before he actually took the time to consider his answer. Apparently the part of his brain that was craving this punishment was firmly in charge and he would not wrestle control back until it was satisfied.

"What do you want to ask me?" Spock asked.

"Will you spank me more, please sir?"

"Yes I will," Spock agreed. "We will use the paddle this time."

"Yes sir," Jim said automatically.

"Is the cock ring hurting you, love?"

"Frustrating me, sir. Not hurting me," Jim admitted. He could feel Spock's humor through their bond, the warmth comforting to him.

Those thoughts fled to be replaced only with pain when Spock hit him with the paddle. This pain was sharper, hotter, worse. The hand-spanking was gentle compared to the hardness of the wood. The sound was louder, the blows intensified, the pain less easily contained.

"Please, sir," Jim pleaded, trying to evade the paddle that was landing mercilessly on his abused ass. "Please stop." The more he tried to avoid the blows, the harder they landed. He was being schooled in how to accept his punishment and he wasn't entirely sure he would survive to master those lessons. "Please, sir, I don't want any more," Jim sobbed.

Those words, accompanied by Jim's sob, were what Spock had been waiting for. He sat the paddle aside, helping Jim turn over so that he could cry against Spock's shoulder. "You are all right, t'hy'la. I know that it hurts. You are okay," Spock soothed, stroking Jim's back in even strokes. He allowed his love and affirmation to flow down the bond, careful not to overwhelm his bondmate but sufficient to reassure him. "I am very proud of you."

"You are?" Jim asked between sobs, embarrassed to be bawling like a small child. But he could not seem to help it. The pain had broken a dam he didn't know existed and he was powerless against the flood of emotion. He hoped he wasn't overwhelming Spock but he didn't have the mental energy to fortify those barriers.

"I am certain, love. And I am not overwhelmed with your emotions. You need not worry about that. You did an excellent job," Spock assured him, whispering into his ear.

"I did?" Jim asked, growing calmer but still clinging to Spock's damp shirt.

"You did. And you are still aroused."

"Yeah," Jim said, sniffing. "Do I deserve for you to make love to me?"

"Yes, of course you do," Spock said warmly. "Can you stand?"

Jim did it painfully, standing beside the love seat, hunched over slightly from the pain. It was making all of his muscles hurt, the worst in his back and ass.

He watched with glazed eyes as Spock shimmed out of his pants and shirt, laying on his back on the loveseat. Jim approached with hunger on his face and in his red, swollen eyes. He widened his legs when Spock reached between them, unsnapping the cock ring so that his erection could spring to full life. It was dripping pre-cum, ready to find completion.

"My goodness," Spock said, touching Jim's erection with one finger.

"I want you," Jim said unnecessarily.

Spock nodded, pointing over his head where a box of tissues and the lubricant waited. "Blow your nose, then prepare me."

Jim nodded, blowing his nose and wiping the tears from his cheeks. That done, he used the lubricant to thoroughly coat Spock's erection that matched Jim's in hardness. "I'm not the only one aroused by this," Jim said, leaning down to kiss Spock's mouth.

"The pleasure is mutual," Spock admitted, watching Jim rub the extra lubricant on Spock's stomach. "Do you want the lubricant inside your body?"

Jim shook his head at that, climbing onto the loveseat to straddle Spock's hips. "I love you."

"I know that you do," Spock assured him, rubbing Jim's thighs. "Take me in when you are ready."

Jim nodded, biting his lower lip as he slowly descended onto the rigid cock of his love. The contact was painful but he didn't mind. As he took more of Spock into his body, his head fell back and he moaned in pure pleasure. The heat radiating out from Spock's erection was even greater than the heat of his spanked and bruised ass.

He paused briefly when Spock was fully encased inside him, the wiry hairs at the base of Spock's penis scrubbing his raw skin. He didn't mind that either. The pain was welcome in its own way, reminding him of the connection he had with his lover.

//You need to move, love,// Spock's warm voice said across their bond.

//Am I hurting you?// Jim asked, his mind filled with love and pain and desire.

//No,// Spock assured him, reaching out for Jim's hard erection.

"Ohhh…" Jim gasped when Spock grasped him. "_Ohinthenameofthegods."_

"Will you move now?" Spock teased, stroking him slowly.

In answer, Jim began to raise up and down on the hardness inside of him, savoring the additional stimulation, especially when he swiveled his hips at just the right angle so that Spock rubbed up against his prostrate. That first touch nearly sent him over the edge, Spock feeling his building arousal.

"Do you wish to come?" Spock asked knowingly.

"God yes," Jim agreed, the speed of his movements becoming faster and more desperate. "I need you."

"You have me, love," Spock said, stroking his cock more firmly, his hips lifting up to meet Jim as he descended, their rhythm in delicious and perfect counterpoint.

It was only moments later that Jim erupted onto Spock's stomach, the reflective clinching of his muscles sending Spock over into bliss as well.

Jim collapsed on top of Spock's unnaturally hot body, wanting to melt into his lover. "Oh gods," Jim whispered into one perfect Vulcan ear.

"Agreed," Spock answered, kissing him gently and wrapping his arms around his Human's limp body. "Sleep."

"'ou too," Jim mumbled, asleep instantly.

Spock hadn't been sure Jim would fall asleep, all to aware of the amount of pain he had inflicted on his t'hy'la. But it was apparently what he had wanted. Jim was completely relaxed on top of him, no residual tension lingering in his muscles. His mind was still, comforted by Spock's physical and mental presence.

Certain that Jim slept, Spock allowed himself to drift into a light state of meditation.

~o0o~

Spock returned immediately to full wakefulness when he felt Jim rouse on top of him. "I am here, t'hy'la."

"Mmm…" Jim moaned softly. "God my ass hurts."

"I know. I will contact the Doctor. Do you wish him to take the pain?" Spock asked gently, caressing his lover's back.

"Mmm…" was Jim's only response, squirming off of Spock to lay face down on the loveseat. "We need to clean up before he comes."

"I will get us a cloth," Spock assured him when he stood next to the loveseat, looking down at his t'hy'la. His ass was mottled red and blue and purple. Maybe he had hit Jim too hard and too many times.

"No," Jim said, reaching back to rub his very sore ass. "Just right."

"You have bruising," Spock said, kneeling next to his hip to kiss his backside.

"Of course I do," Jim said. "It won't last long."

Spock kissed him again before going over to the bathroom for a warm, wet cloth and a towel. "Roll onto your side, love."

Jim did it, facing Spock as he tidied Jim's stomach. That done, Jim lay again face down, spreading his legs so that Spock could bathe his thighs.

"I apologize," Spock said when he spread Jim's mounds to dip between them. The touch hurt but Spock had no choice.

"'sokay," Jim mumbled into his pillow, holding his breath until Spock removed his hands. "Thanks."

"I will contact the Doctor and get you a cup of coffee."

"Thanks," Jim said, yawning.

"Don't fall back asleep, love. The Doctor must come."

"I'll stay awake," Jim promised. "Especially since you promised me coffee."

"Indeed," Spock said, making Jim laugh. Spock stopped by the intercom to request that Bones come before making Jim's coffee.

It wasn't long before Bones arrived, Spock dressed back in his previously discarded clothes, Jim still face down on the soft cushions.

"How are you doing?" Bones asked as he sat in one of the chairs close by the loveseat.

"Hurts," Jim said with a shrug, looking up at him.

"I'll bet it does," Bones said, laying one gentle hand on the red and mottled skin. "Is it what you wanted?"

"Yeah," Jim admitted reluctantly. "It hurts worse than I expected."

"But not more than you wanted," Bones added.

Jim only shrugged again, yawning.

"You worn out from it?" Bones asked.

"Little bit. You know."

"Yes. Do you want me to relieve the pain?"

"No," Jim admitted. "But I do want to be able to sit down."

"You will. Tomorrow. If it's still too sore, I can use the dermal-generator on it. But you should be just fine."

"You sure?" Jim asked, rubbing over his own very sore ass.

"Pretty sure," Bones said, touching him again. "Ice will prevent some of the bruising. But you hate ice."

"Yeah," Jim agreed, looking up at Spock. "Is the coffee ready?"

Spock shook his head at that, going over to get him a cup as well as one for the Doctor. Jim raised up on one elbow enough to drink his, watching Bones and Spock over the rim.

"When can we do it again?" Jim asked very quietly, pissed that he was even asking.

"Four or five days. You have to make sure the bruising has subsided. I would recommend a week but I doubt you'd listen," Bones said in some exasperation.

"No point in getting mad at me, Bones. I haven't done anything," Jim said with a silent laugh.

"No but you will. You are the most stubborn Being I have ever had the misfortune of knowing."

"Is that any way to talk to your BFF?" Jim laughed.

Bones just snorted at him, drinking more of his coffee.

* * *

_TBC, I promise. Just don't know when. Unless you, my lovely readers, hate this story. In which case, it won't BC (be continued.) (And no, I promise, I'm not holding it hostage to X number of reviews. It's just that... uhm... this is an unusual subject for me to write about and being a Gemini, I need constant approval to know I'm doing the right thing. Yeah, I blame it on the stars!)_


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: This story took an unexpected turn in the last third. It becomes a little more...weird than it was before. Nothing horrible but definitely an even firmer "M" rating. Yes, it's embarrassing but here it is:_

_

* * *

_

Jim was reclining against the headboard of their bed, padd after padd covering every available surface. He'd been reviewing and signing reports for a couple of hours and was still only about a third of the way through.

Spock was working on his computer, a soft buzz of affection connecting them. Bones had asked Jim once what that felt like and Jim had tried to explain as best he could. He didn't think he had succeeded but Bones had appreciated his effort when Jim said it was like a hum he could barely hear, a warmth that wrapped itself around him.

/I do love you,/ Spock said as Jim considered the sensation anew.

"I never doubt it," Jim assured him, his voice sounding unnaturally loud in the quiet of their quarters.

"I know you do not," Spock said as he stood and rounded the divider. He sat on the edge of the bed, careful not to disturb the padds that seemed to be in some mysterious order.

"You done?" Jim asked with a smile just for him.

"For tonight. I had hoped to get into bed but I see that may not be possible," Spock teased, one warm hand on Jim's cheek, the affection buzzing between them even stronger.

"I think I can make room for you. But you'll have to leave before morning. So my bondmate doesn't find you in bed with me," Jim said, his blue eyes sparkling at his mischief.

"I see," Spock said, pretending to consider it.

"He can be pretty possessive," Jim added.

"That is unfortunate. Surely there is enough of your ego to go around."

Jim huffed at him, moving away so they were no longer in contact. "For that you can sleep on the floor."

"I apologize. I will be gone by the time he arrives," Spock promised, laying on top of Jim in order to kiss him. "Will that be satisfactory?"

"Most satisfactory," Jim agreed absently, reaching up for another kiss. "What were you doing on the computer?" Jim had to ask when he felt Spock's firm erection pressing into his hip.

"Research."

"On what? It must have been pretty interesting," Jim said, one hand tangling in Spock's black hair, the other trapped between them.

"It was quite fascinating," Spock agreed. "Especially in light of the fact that we have the next three days off duty."

"Oh," Jim said. "I'm submitting to you."

Spock kissed him rather than answer directly. He could feel Jim's usual mix of excitement and trepidation at the realization. "Do you have any non-negotiables?"

"What?" Jim asked, trying to focus on Spock. But he was too close and too busy kissing Jim's neck to make such concentration possible.

"Do you have any non-negotiables? Anything you find entirely unacceptable?" Spock asked, raising his head enough to study Jim's face.

"I don't know. What do you have in mind?" Jim asked, not showing any particular reservations in learning what Spock was thinking.

"I am not certain. As we have up to now only engaged in corporal punishment. Are you interested in expanding our activities?"

"I think so," Jim said in some uncertainty.

"You are worried."

"No, not worried. I'm just wondering what you want to do to me. Not details exactly. A general idea," Jim explained.

"I really do not know," Spock said. "That is why I wondered if there was anything you could not endure. Any fears that I might inadvertently trigger."

"No. I don't have any phobias. Except maybe free jumping without a parachute. But I'm pretty sure you don't intend to shove me out an airlock."

"You can be very certain that will never occur," Spock said.

"Yeah. So you don't know what you'd like to try? I mean, do you want to try using a belt or something besides my paddle?"

"I know you prefer being spanked by hand," Spock said thoughtfully, speaking between kisses. "I was considering tying you up."

"Oh," Jim said. "Like hog-tying me?"

"Nothing so drastic. Securing you to the bed. Or the wall. Would you object to being tied?"

"No. That's what you mean by non-negotiable?"

"It is," Spock agreed.

"Then I really hate being gagged. It makes my jaws hurt and I have trouble breathing," Jim said.

"I have been witness," Spock reminded him, trying not to dwell on those unfortunate incidences when they were captured and bound, including gags which nearly suffocated Jim, his breathing quickly becoming labored.

"Yeah, I guess you have," Jim had to agree. "I don't know that I have any other limits. Especially since I know you would never do anything to harm me. It's the only reason I can submit to you."

"As I am aware," Spock said with a kiss.

"You have gotten much more comfortable dominating me," Jim remarked.

"You so clearly enjoy it, it is easier for me to fulfill your desires."

"Right. Because you don't get anything out of it," Jim said with a laugh.

Spock raised one eyebrow at him. "If I do decide to experiment, you are to tell me if you find anything unacceptable."

"I will," Jim agreed.

"I am granting you permission, t'hy'la. I do not wish to overwhelm you."

"I understand. I'll tell you if you are getting too close to my limits."

"Very well," Spock said. "Might I join you in bed?"

"Uh huh. Do you want me to clean up these padds or are you willing to do it for me?" Jim asked in his most flirtatious voice.

"I should require you to as you created this mess," Spock said as he stood and began collecting the padds.

"I did. But you don't really mind," Jim said with a smile.

"I see it as my duty. As your First Officer," Spock claimed, carefully stacking them on the desk.

"Oh you do?" Jim asked with a laugh as Spock joined him in bed. "What about making love to me? Is that part of your duty as well?"

"It most certainly is, sir," Spock agreed, swallowing Jim's laugh with a hard kiss. He then proceeded to fulfill his duty in a most satisfying way before sleep claimed them both.

~o0o~

"T'hy'la," Spock said the next morning, stroking Jim's hair. Jim was laying snug up against Spock, his head in its customary place on Spock's shoulder. Spock had been watching him sleep for 12.32 minutes, finding immense comfort observing him without making him at all self-conscious.

"Mmm…" Jim sighed, not otherwise moving.

"Will you wake up for me?" Spock requested, kissing his head.

"Already?" Jim mumbled into Spock's skin.

"It is 0814, love. I was becoming concerned."

"I'm fine. Sleeping because I can," Jim assured him, his blue eyes finally opening to focus on Spock even though he could barely be considered awake. "I'm surprised you didn't make me wake up."

Spock shrugged the shoulder beneath Jim's head, kissing him. "As I am planning to use you as an experiment, I chose to allow you to sleep."

"Until now," Jim pointed out, letting his eyes drift back closed.

"Are you going to make me order you out of bed?" Spock asked, his voice taking on a familiar, hard edge.

"No," Jim sighed, slowly sitting up, his hand caressing Spock's chest. "You tell Bones?"

"Naturally. If you are unwilling to submit, you must tell me now," Spock said more gently, one hand on the side of Jim's face.

Jim turned to kiss his palm, licking it and smiling at Spock's gasp. "I'll be good."

"You always make the attempt. You do not always succeed," Spock reminded him.

Jim shrugged at that. "I don't want to spoil all your fun. If I'm too obedient, you don't get to punish me."

"I see," Spock said, one eyebrow raised. "You are only interested in my enjoyment."

"Sure," Jim laughed, climbing over Spock in order to go to the bathroom, very shortly returning to watch Spock dress in his customary black leisure attire. "I can make the coffee, right?"

"Yes," Spock agreed, kissing his head before sitting back on the bed, watching Jim move around their quarters, enjoying the view. He was relieved that there were no bruises on Jim's body so that he would not have to worry about overwhelming him.

"I'm not worried, love," Jim assured him. "You don't need to be either." Jim stood next to the bed, looking down at Spock with an expression of complete love and utter faith.

"Bring your cock-ring and paddle to me," Spock instructed, the transformation into Jim's master complete.

"Yes, sir," Jim agreed, getting them out of the bottom drawer, handing the cock-ring to Spock and putting the paddle on their table as directed. Spock was sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting for his return.

"Do you want me to put this on you?" Spock asked as he always did. Jim had to request to be dominated. Spock would not do it without Jim's verbal agreement.

"Will you put my cock-ring on me, please?" Jim asked, getting a disapproving eyebrow in response. "Please sir," he quickly amended.

Spock nodded, reaching between his spread legs to snap it securely in place. He backed up slightly and Jim knew what was expected of him. When Spock was ready, Jim stretched out face down over Spock's thighs, his cheek on his folded arms. "Are you ready?"

"Yes sir," Jim replied.

"Ask that I begin," Spock ordered, rubbing over the hard mounds of his love.

"Will you please spank me, sir?" Jim said in a firm voice.

"Because you asked, I will," Spock agreed as he always did. "You will use your safeword if you begin to feel overwhelmed."

"Yes sir," Jim agreed, relaxing to wait. Holding himself tense, he had learned the hard way, only made the pain worse.

As always, Spock started slowly, allowing Jim time to adjust to the pain and the heat as it grew under his skin. When he had determined that Jim was sufficiently in the moment, he increased the force of the blows, the sound echoing off the walls and combining with the small grunts from Jim each time Spock hit him. Spock was sure to spread the blows evenly over this butt and his upper thighs, those more receptive to the pain than was his ass.

At 15 blows, Jim began to unconsciously squirm, instinctively trying to escape the pain. Spock tightened his grip around Jim's midsection, holding him immobilized over his hard thighs. At 20, Jim was moaning, his breathing hitching from the effort to get sufficient air into his lungs.

"Is that enough for now?" Spock asked when he slowed and stopped after 5 more.

"Yes sir. For now sir," Jim agreed, his cheeks wet, his hair plastered to his head from the sweat that always accompanied Spock spanking him. He wanted to tell himself the moisture on his cheeks was also only sweat but he knew better. His runny nose and burning eyes betrayed him. His breathing was coming in small gasps as though he had been running hard.

"Move down the bed," Spock ordered, watching Jim obey. Spock reached over for the Kleenex, instructing Jim to blow his nose and wipe his face. When he had done so, Spock removed his pants, slowly and sensually, before swiveling on the bed so that his legs were on either side of Jim's kneeling form. Spock lifted his shirt just over his hard stomach, stroking down the hard muscles and grazing over his prominent hip bones before leisurely grasping his erection. He watched Jim as his breathing became easier. "You will perform fellatio."

Jim was careful not to react to that statement. He knew Spock knew how much he hated giving Spock a blow job. It wasn't that he didn't love Spock enough to do it to him. He hated the feeling of complete control it gave Spock. He was at Spock's mercy when he sucked him off. And it made him feel claustrophobia, as though the entire universe was reduced to the space between Spock's legs, especially if Spock touched the back of his head while he was doing it. He would rather submit to almost anything other than sucking off Spock.

He would admit that he enjoyed being on the receiving side of a blow job. Any man who said they didn't enjoy it was a liar. But doing it – he hated it. He always had. And up to now he'd been able to refuse anyone who had requested it. Until he started submitting to Spock. Because he hated it so much, it was useful to Spock – to make him do it to prove that Spock held unquestioned dominion over him – all of him. Including his mouth. He could never put it on his 'non-negotiable' list because Spock knew it didn't frighten him. He just hated it.

"You can continue to stall. Or you can do it to spare yourself another beating," Spock said in warning as he continued to caress his very firm erection, pre-cum glistening at the tip.

"Please sir," Jim tried, shaking his head.

Spock did not respond except for leaving the bed. When he was sure Jim was watching him, he dumped the coffee out of the pot into their small sink.

Jim gasped at his action, his eyes wide and showing some fear. For Spock to waste anything was unheard of. And to torment Jim by dumping out his coffee sent a signal that his research had been to Jim's detriment. "I'm sorry sir. I'll be good," Jim promised humbly, staring down at the bed, his shoulders slumped under the weight of his transgression.

"Come here," Spock ordered, standing by the table where they shared their private meals, his black pants back in place.

Jim knew that meant only one thing and he limped over to where Spock was standing. Hoping to make some amends, Jim automatically lay his upper body on the table, his arms stretched out to the sides, spread-eagle, his skin taut. He felt rather than saw Spock nod in approval before he picked up the paddle that was waiting on the table, inches from Jim's nose. "How many do you deserve?"

"10 sir," Jim said. That was the fewest he was allowed to request unless Spock gave him permission to reduce the number. This was not one of those cases.

"We'll start with 20," Spock decided as though Jim hadn't spoken.

20. That told Jim how bad today was going to be. Spock almost never hit him with the paddle that many times so early. Jim concentrated for a moment on their very quiet bond, reassured that Spock was not angry with him.

"You believe you have truly angered me," Spock said, carefully caressing Jim's strong back, his affection transmitting through his fingers.

"You poured out the coffee, sir. You hate waste."

"A demonstration, t'hy'la. That I am being stern does not mean that I am angry."

"I understand, sir. I'll suck your beautiful cock after you paddle me."

"You will be obedient to me?"

"Yes sir," Jim agreed, staring up at Spock, his eyes wide in his need to convince Spock he regretted his refusal.

"Very well. Are you ready for me to paddle you?"

"Yes sir. Please hit me 20 times," Jim said as required.

Spock transmitted his muted approval through his touch as he lightly grazed over Jim's taut backside before raising the paddle and hitting him. As much as it hurt, Jim was thankful that Spock was taking it relatively easy on him. He could be hitting him much harder, a fact Jim could not easily contemplate as the pain built up in his skin.

By the time Spock had hit him 8 times, Jim wasn't sure he was going to last through the last 12. It hurt way more than he remembered and he thought his skin was about to split in half. His fingers ached from gripping the sides of the table, the edges biting into the flesh of his hands.

"Sir," he gasped after 13, Spock stopping and moving to the side of the table.

"Yes?" Spock responded, looking down at Jim's tear stained face.

"First gear, sir," Jim said reluctantly, needing a pause, some time to collect himself.

"You are in more pain than usual," Spock agreed, stroking his sweat drenched hair.

"Yes sir," Jim agreed reluctantly, sniffing.

"Very well. We will dispense with the final 7," Spock said. Jim relaxed at the words, his relief momentary. "For now."

"Yes sir," Jim automatically agreed.

"Remain as you are," Spock instructed, moving out of Jim's sight. Jim tried very hard to lay still, knowing all too well the consequences of disobeying him. Jim wanted to move away from the cold hardness of the ice that Spock placed on his burning ass but he knew he had to accept Spock's ministrations. "If you do not lay still, I will tie you," Spock warned, caressing Jim's back in warm strokes as he squirmed in discomfort.

"Yes sir," Jim sniffed, closing his eyes against the pain and his own shame.

"You have no reason to feel shamed, t'hy'la. You have done well this morning."

"I disobeyed you. You poured out the coffee, sir," Jim said softly.

"I believe the lack of coffee is more hurtful than the spanking," Spock said, considering it.

Jim did not respond to his statement, working to contain the emotions warring inside his head. He didn't want to overwhelm Spock but he felt like something deep inside him was about to snap and he wasn't sure what would happen if it did.

"You are safe with me, t'hy'la. If you need to express your pain or your fear or your sorrow, you need not consider it further," Spock assured him, still warming Jim with his gentle touches.

"It is too much for you, sir," Jim said, unable to articulate it any clearer. His head was buzzing too loudly and his heart was beating too rapidly.

"Your pain is mine. Your fear is mine. You are mine," Spock reminded him, sounding unusually possessive. And Jim reluctantly admitted that he liked it. "Remain as you are. I will return."

"Yes sir," Jim replied, disappointed that he had upset Spock to the point that he was leaving him. Well, it was really inevitable, wasn't it? Everyone else had. He was destined to be alone and he had reconciled himself to his fate long ago. He thought Spock was different but since he was still the same person, it made sense that….

"T'hy'la," Spock's warm voice whispered, one hand on his back in warm connection. "What has caused this downward spiral? I simply left your side long enough to make you more coffee."

"Really?" Jim asked, his bright blue eyes opening to look at Spock in hope and barely muted despair. He gasped in relief when Spock reached between his burning thighs to remove the cock-ring trying to contain his erection.

"Come," Spock invited, holding one hand out and helping him painfully straighten. Spock led him to their bed, laying down and wrapping warm arms around Jim when he lay pressed next to him. "Tell me how you think I could ever leave you. You who are one half of all that I am."

Jim sniffed, kissing Spock's neck lightly. "Bones used to call it jumping into an ocean of despair," Jim said softly.

"Your anxiety would be triggered and you would overwhelm yourself," Spock translated.

"Uh huh. It didn't happen a lot. And I haven't done it since I became Captain. But…."

"The Admirals were angry yesterday. And you were unable to contact Chris."

"Yeah," Jim said, one foot moving restlessly up and down the bed.

"You should have told me when I said you were submitting to me," Spock said in concern, no scolding in the words or tone.

"It didn't occur to me until you said… all I heard was that you were leaving. Like everyone else ever had," Jim said, reluctant to even say the words out loud, silent tears falling on Spock's shirt at the confession.

"I spank you because I love you enough to do it. I make you submit because you need to be cared for. If it begins to bring all of your unacknowledged insecurities to the surface, I do not know that we can continue."

Jim considered those words, turning them over in his head. "We need to continue _because_ it surfaces my deepest insecurities," Jim said quietly. "They are still there as much as I don't want them to be. It's safe for you to see them."

"Yes," Spock agreed thoughtfully. "We break down your barriers. We do not create those feelings. We release them."

"Uh huh. We all have our inner demons," Jim said.

"We do," Spock had to agree. "Making you submit is therapeutic."

"Sadly," Jim had to agree. "Regular treatment was completely ineffective. But you dominating me makes me face them."

"You have buried them very deeply for Starfleet not to have discovered them."

"Yeah. Bones may have had a little something to do with it," Jim admitted reluctantly.

"He altered the results of your psychological evaluations?" Spock asked in disapproval.

"No, not exactly," Jim said, yawning. "They are always open to interpretation. He knew I was more stable than it might appear. Except on those rare occasions I was overwhelmed by it all. But even those times I could handle it. So he talked to the doctors and told them I had latrophobia."

"That is not true," Spock said, a hint on question in his voice.

"It's not entirely untrue," Jim said. "I hate all doctors."

"Not Leonard."

Jim shrugged at that, taking a deep breath. "He is…uhm… well, different. He loves me. That makes it okay."

"Yes," Spock agreed. "Do you wish for me to call him to come take your pain?"

"No," Jim admitted reluctantly.

"It is worse than usual," Spock pointed out gently.

"I know," Jim sighed. "I let it get to me more than usual. But there's no point in submitting to you if he comes and takes the pain afterwards. Unless it's bothering you."

"It is not. I am simply concerned for you," Spock said. "Do you want coffee?"

"If I deserve it," Jim said in a very tired voice.

"Of course you do, love. Move so that I may get it for you."

"Yes sir," Jim responded automatically, shifting off of Spock's warm, comforting body.

"I did not intend for it to sound like an order," Spock said in apology.

"Oh," Jim said, considering it. "I didn't think it was. It was…reflex."

"Very well," Spock said, stroking his sweaty head before moving away. Jim wasn't surprised to hear Spock contact Bones, knowing he would arrive shortly. "I know you prefer that he not come."

Jim shrugged when Spock was sitting back by him, a cup of steaming coffee in his hand.

"Apologies," Spock said, giving Jim the cup. Because Jim would never take it from him. It was one of their unspoken agreements while Jim was submitting.

"It's fine," Jim said quietly.

"You never submitted to Leonard, did you?" Spock asked as Jim sipped the coffee.

"No. Nobody but you. Why?" Jim asked absently, enjoying the coffee.

"I was curious. The amount of trust you show for him would make it possible."

"Yeah. But I've never had sex with him. And since it inevitably arouses me, I couldn't, could I?"

"Indeed," Spock agreed.

"You want me to submit to him, don't you?" Jim asked as he drank the coffee, the nectar of the gods.

"Yes," Spock agreed, not surprised that Jim had guessed. It had not been a fully formed thought but now that Jim had said it aloud, Spock knew he unconsciously had been considering it. Interesting.

"You have to set the rules," Jim said, his acquiescence a foregone conclusion.

"You would agree to submit to him as well?" Spock asked, needing to make sure he fully understood what Jim was saying.

"Yeah. It's inevitable, isn't it?"

"Not if you object. You know that I would never require it of you," Spock said, pulling his fingers through Jim's matted hair.

"I know that. But it was just a matter of time. I won't have sex with him. Except for that, it seems natural," Jim said with a shrug.

"Will he agree?" Spock asked, one eyebrow raised.

"Probably. I think he has some deeply repressed sadistic tendencies. They don't scare me but I know they are there," Jim said.

"How do you know this?" Spock asked.

"I can't say exactly. Except that it's one of those things you just know about your best friend. He may refuse at first, not wanting to admit it. But if you convince him it's okay with you, he'll say yes."

"And you are agreeing freely to it?" Spock asked.

"Yes, t'hy'la," Jim said with a watery smile. "I agree fully. Even if you hadn't just beaten me, I'd agree to it. I'll do everything he demands as long as there are no sexual components. He can order me to give you a blow job but not him."

"Yes," Spock agreed, leaning down to kiss him. "Come."

Bones came in and crossed over to them, silently removing the ice packs to inspect Jim's fiery red backside, some bruises already surfacing. "Well."

"I may have gone too far," Spock admitted.

"Do you think so?" Bones asked Jim.

"No. But I had a meltdown," Jim said with a shrug. "I deserved more but he had to stop."

"You're okay now?" Bones asked, sitting next to Spock when Jim had scooted over to make room.

"Better. Still hurts like hell. But it always does," Jim said, Bones shaking his head.

"You want me to take some of the pain?" Bones asked kindly.

"Not yet. If the bruising is too bad, you can," Jim said, looking up at Spock.

"We are finished for today," Spock told them both. "However, we had been discussing the next time he submits to me."

"You'll have to wait a week at least," Bones said, putting the ice back on Jim's ass.

"We will," Spock assured him. "The next time I dominate him…." Spock stopped, surprising Bones by not finishing his sentence.

"Yeah? Next time?" Bones asked, leaving the bed to get himself a cup of coffee.

"Spock wants you here," Jim said.

"Here?" Bones repeated, dragging a chair closer to the bed. "Why? You wouldn't harm him. I have no reservations about it."

"Not as an observer," Spock said. "As a participant."

"What?" Bones said in surprise. "What the hell?"

"You know you've always wanted to beat me," Jim said seriously.

"I have not. Are you high?" Bones demanded.

"Your indignation won't play with me," Jim said. "You want to do it and you know it."

"I know no such thing. I'm a doctor, dammit. Not a sadist."

"It's often a thin line, Bones. And you love me enough to do it," Jim said.

"You are high," Bones said, shaking his head, turning fiercely dark eyes from Jim to Spock and back. "I want nothing to do with…this," he said, waving a hand of dismissal over Jim's body.

"Then why do you want details every time he does it? 'How many times did he hit you? Did he use a paddle? Did he make you ask for it?'"

Bones flinched when Jim repeated his words to him. "Those were purely medical questions."

Jim snorted at him, not otherwise responding.

"It is nothing to be ashamed of, Leonard. There is pleasure to be found in punishing him," Spock admitted. "He has agreed freely. He will submit completely to you so long as there is no sexual component to your demands."

"No," Bones said, shaking his head. "You are both high."

"Stop pretending to be surprised," Jim said. "You are jealous that Spock gets to beat me when you never got the chance. I'm fine with it. I trust you. Spock trusts you. I won't have sex with you but I will submit to you both."

"This is bullshit," Bones said. "I don't want to beat you or dominate you. It's the endorphins talking."

"It is not, Leonard. Were you completely honest with us and yourself, you would admit that you have wanted to dominate Jim. Since before he and I began. But you respected his boundaries. That prevented you from having what you wanted. We are offering it to you."

"Why?" Bones asked, no longer arguing with Spock's words.

"Because Spock wants to watch. And you are the only one we would ever trust enough to let in. You are the only one who knows we do it. And you have always wanted to. I don't know why you think you can deny it."

Bones stared down at Jim, wishing he could continue to deny it, telling them and himself they were wrong. How did they guess when he refused to admit it even to himself? "It could change everything," he finally said reluctantly.

"It hasn't changed things with me and Spock," Jim said. "We contain it. It doesn't leech over. It won't with us either. And if it arouses you, you'll have to take care of it yourself. I won't and Spock won't."

"It will arouse me," Bones admitted very reluctantly. "And I'm sorry."

"Why?" Jim asked.

"Because you are the best friends I've ever had. I shouldn't want to hurt you or watch it being done."

Jim shrugged at that. "You don't think Spock loves me less because he'll do it. You are giving me something I can't get anywhere else. And you get to enjoy it."

"You're sure?" Bones asked them both, wishing he were strong enough to walk out, to prove they were wrong. But they weren't. That was the hardest part to face.

"Absolutely, Leonard. You will have dominion over him as well. When it arouses him, I will see to his needs. And he will see to mine. You will see to your own."

"You'll be in charge?" Bones asked.

"Yes. Not of you. But I will set any limits which need to be imposed. I will determine if it is becoming too much for him."

"If you have sex, are you willing to allow me to witness it?" Bones had to ask.

"Yeah," Jim said with a shrug. "There's nothing else about us you don't know. Will it mortify you?"

"No," Bones reluctantly admitted, not adding to it.

"Very well then," Spock said with a nod.

"T'hy'la," Jim said, looking up at Spock.

"Yes," Spock agreed to his unspoken suggestion.

"What?" Bones asked, looking between them.

"He was beaten the second time because he refused to perform fellatio. He hates doing it. As I am still aroused and you are here, he will do it to me while you watch."

"Oh god," Bones breathed, shifting in his chair.

"See," Jim said, raising carefully and painfully to his knees. "Just the idea makes you hard."

"Yeah," Bones had to agree. He wanted to apologize but it was way too late for that. "Why do you hate it?"

"It makes me claustrophobic," Jim said, reaching over to undo Spock's pants so he could step out of them. Spock returned to lay on the bed, his legs straddling Jim. Jim reached up and slowly pulled Spock's shirt off, caressing his chest. He could hear Bones' soft intake of breath as Jim kissed Spock firmly and fully. "Take off your pants," Jim suggested to Bones with a lust filled voice.

Bones shook his head at the same time he reached to open the fastenings. "You're sure?"

"Quite sure," Spock said, kissing Jim again as Bones removed his pants and briefs, his erection springing fully to life. Jim kissed down Spock's body, trying to make the journey last as long as possible. When he could stall no longer, he licked over the tip of Spock's erection, hearing Bones' gasp at his action. He wanted to look over at him but needed to fully concentrate of blowing Spock's mind and avoid another beating.

/I have no intention of beating you again,/ Spock assured him.

/You sure? Bones would love it./

/I am quite sure. And I will not touch your head,/ Spock promised.

/Thank you,/ Jim agreed, opening his mouth as wide as possible to take Spock in. He had to work hard to control his gag reflex, relaxing his jaws and his throat.

/Go slowly, t'hy'la. I will not punish you./

/I know. You don't hate doing it to me. Why does it bother me so much?/ Jim asked as he tried to caress Spock with his tongue. He found it nearly impossible, Spock's erection taking up all the space in his mouth, making him feel slightly nauseous.

/Not everyone can do it, love,/ Spock said gently. /You are much more accomplished than when you first started./

/How's Bones doing?/ Jim asked in order to focus on anything other than the sensation of being suffocated.

/He is very aroused. His tongue is peeking out of his mouth and his eyes are glazed over,/ Spock reported.

/He sounds aroused,/ Jim agreed, using his right hand to caress Spock below his mouth. /I can't take you any further in./

/I will not require it of you, love. Can you increase your suction?/

Jim complied, not having any difficulty in doing it. Once Spock was in his mouth, the other parts of fellatio was simply more of the same. /I'm sorry I hate it so much,/ he said when he felt Spock's echoing discomfort.

/It is quite…pleasurable,/ Spock said, gripping the sheets under him to prevent his hands from grasping Jim's head. His hips lifted on their own, Jim following their motion and not allowing him in any further. /It won't be long, love. You do not need to allow me release in your mouth if you don't want it./

/Come in my mouth. I'll spit it out,/ Jim said, sucking a little harder, his hand pumping Spock's erection more firmly.

"Oh my love," Spock whispered, Jim's only warning before Spock erupted, his release nearly scorching Jim's mouth.

As quickly and gracefully as he could, Jim left the bed to limp over to the bathroom, spitting it out. He wanted to learn to swallow but he just couldn't. He stood still over the sink, trying unsuccessfully to quell the nausea. He failed, the coffee the only thing in his stomach to come up. Spock was there to rub his back as he heaved into the toilet, giving him a cool cloth when he was able to lean back onto his thighs.

"Does he always do this?" Bones asked slightly breathless as he stood on the outside of their bathroom, still bare below the waist.

"Normally he does not. It is a combination of the pain and the anxiety," Spock said, giving Jim a glass of cool water.

"I had no idea you hated it so much," Bones said.

"How would you know?" Jim asked. "Spock's the only person I've ever done it for."

"I know you enjoyed receiving them," Bones said. "You used to brag about it."

"Mostly lies. You knew that," Jim said, slowly standing with Spock's help.

"You still liked it," Bones said with a laugh.

"Yeah," Jim shrugged. "Like you don't."

Bones did not respond, following them to their bed, resuming his seat as they lay down, Spock pulling the covers over them. "You sleeping now?"

"Jim will. I will remain so that he can," Spock said, kissing Jim's head.

"Makes sense," Bones agreed, watching them. "And you're sure about this?"

"I believe that question has been answered, Leonard. You are now a part of this."

"Yes," Bones said with a nod. "I keep wanting to say I'm sorry but I know it's pointless."

"You owe no one an apology. You would have never suggested it had we not done so. We trust and love you enough to include you."

"Thank you both," Bones said reverently, watching Jim as he slept. "I should get back to Sickbay."

Spock nodded, kissing Jim. "I will inform you when he wakes. We will have lunch."

"All right," Bones said, putting on his briefs and trousers, trying very hard not to feel self-conscious. "I'll come eat with you if Sickbay isn't overrun."

"Good," Spock agreed, watching him leave and drifting into a light sleep, knowing he would wake if Jim needed him.


	4. Chapter 4

Jim lay face down on the bed, his wrists secured to the footboard and his ankles tied to the headboard. Spock preferred tying him with his head at the foot because he knew Jim found it subtly disorienting. The ropes wound around his wrists and ankles were in fact old fashioned curtain ties, strong enough to hold him, soft enough to prevent injury.

Jim lay facing Spock and Bones who were standing together in the far corner of the quarters, talking quietly. Jim couldn't hear them but he knew he was the sole focus of their conversation. It was the first time Bones was joining them for this particular activity and Spock was explaining how the experience generally unfolded. When Bones had arrived a few minutes earlier, Jim was already naked and tied down. Spock was reluctant to allow Bones to witness Jim being stripped but had no such reservations in allowing him to see Jim's bare form.

Beneath Jim's stomach was a wedge shaped pillow which ended at his hips, elevating his ass to make for a readier target. To Jim's surprise, Spock had not put the cock ring around his forming erection. Jim was afraid he might orgasm as he lay there and waited but he knew he'd be in serious trouble if he did.

"Yes. All right," Bones finally said with a resolute nod.

"Very good," Spock confirmed, squatting before the bureau to open the bottom most drawer, the one that made a distinctive _creeeeeek_ as it was pulled open. Just the noise of that drawer sent even more blood rushing to Jim's erection. He did not dare shift to try and relieve any of the pressure. Spock would know and he would not approve.

"We have decided to try your new toy," Spock informed him as he and Bones approached the side of the bed that Jim was facing. In Spock's right hand was the soft leather flogger that Spock had described to Jim but not allowed him to see. The multiple strands were 50 centimeters long, black, and looked completely harmless. The textured handle was nearly transparent crystal. "Do you want to know how it feels?" Spock asked in his calm, stern voice.

"Yes, please, sir. I do want to know how the flogger feels when you hit me with it," Jim agreed, licking his lips as he looked up at Spock in hunger.

"What is the safeword?" Bones asked.

"Parking brake, sir," Jim said to Bones' nods. "Sir?"

"Yes?" Spock responded, still running his long fingers through the strands of the flogger.

"May I request that you hand spank me first, sir?" Jim asked.

"Why?" Spock asked in return.

"So he'll be connected to you," Bones said, looking down at Jim. That he understood should have surprised Jim but it didn't. He'd have to consider that later, when his entire world wasn't reduced to his erection.

"Is that why you are asking?" Spock said in question.

"Yes sir. You can't do it afterwards," Jim added, hoping Spock would understand.

"I see," Spock said with a nod. "Very well. I will strike you 10 times. Then Leonard will as well."

"Thank you sir," Jim agreed.

Spock settled on the bed next to Jim, rubbing over his firm ass, making sure Jim felt the love and devotion through his anticipation. "If you orgasm while we are spanking you, it will not go well for you."

"I understand sir," Jim said.

"Why didn't you put on his cock ring?" Bones asked in curiosity.

"Controlling his reactions is part of his training," Spock said. "He will undoubtedly come while we flog him. He must wait until then."

"His training," Bones repeated, unconsciously licking his lips as he said the word.

"This is about obedience, control, and ultimately about release," Spock confirmed.

"Yes," Bones had to agree, watching Jim who seemed uninvolved. "Have you already left?"

"No sir. I'm here," Jim assured them. He looked up at them with bright, engaged eyes, ensuring that they knew he was fully involved.

"Very well," Spock acknowledged. "You are ready then?"

"Yes sir. Will you spank me please?" Jim asked as required.

Spock nodded, hitting him 10 hard times as promised. Jim lay nearly motionless as the blows landed, firm and familiar. And comforting in their own painful way. The heat under his skin grew with each strike but it was not at all too much to take. His erection, however, was strenuously voting _yesssss_, the precum dripping from his tip to form shining strands of connection down to the bed sheets.

"Are you going to hold out?" Bones asked as he sat on the opposite side of the bed when Spock had finished.

"I don't know, sir," Jim responded honestly, turning to look at Leonard. "I suppose there's only one way to find out."

"True. What will you do if he comes while I'm spanking him?" Bones asked Spock.

"What will I do?" Spock asked Jim.

"Leave me tied down, sir. He will work on his computer for…a while until he determines I am sufficiently chastised," Jim said, his voice showing the strain of both controlling his arousal and wanting to avoid being left alone.

"I see," Leonard said, considering it. "Being away from him is the worst punishment he can inflict."

"Yes sir," Jim agreed in a quiet voice. It was one of his real weaknesses, one he did everything he could to keep a secret. But there were no secrets while he was submitting. That was one of the purposes of releasing control. One of the prices he willingly paid.

"You need to touch him, Leonard," Spock directed as he stroked Jim's somewhat sweaty head.

"Yes, of course," Bones agreed, carefully rubbing over Jim's too warm backside. "Does it hurt?"

"As much as you would expect," Jim responded. He gasped quietly when Spock struck his ass. "Sir."

"That is better," Spock said in approval.

"Apologies, sirs," Jim said, closing his eyes momentarily as the shame washed over him unbidden, unwelcome.

"You will remember your place or be reminded," Spock said, returning to stroke his damp hair. "Whenever you are ready, Leonard."

Bones nodded, hitting Jim and considering the sensation. It was…pleasant. Jim's ass was firm and round and made a perfect target.

"Doctor," Jim said after McCoy had hit him 4 times. It took a moment for Bones to realize that Jim was speaking to him. He didn't think Jim had ever before called him _Doctor_ except as a vague insult.

"Yes," McCoy responded, his hand resting on Jim's bottom.

"Could you hit me a little harder please sir?"

"Harder?" Bones repeated in question.

Jim turned to look up at Spock in a silent request that he explain.

"If you fail to hit him with sufficient force, it will not penetrate his pain barriers," Spock explained.

"I'm not sure I understand," Bones admitted.

"Because of his frequent instances of being injured, he is not as receptive to pain as one who never experiences it."

"Ahh…" Bones said. "You are able to tolerate more pain than most."

"Yes sir," Jim agreed, turning back to look at Bones.

"Alright," Bones agreed. "Let me know if I go overboard."

"I will sir," Jim said, closing his eyes to wait. When Bones next hit him, it was harder and more painful, just the way Jim preferred it. Except the rhythm was wrong, the angle different, the hand hitting him more compact, the skin softer. Jim barely noticed when the blows stopped, so absorbed in considering the building pain and working on preventing his orgasm that was oh-so-close to the surface.

"Is that sufficient?" Spock asked him, long familiar fingers threading through his hair.

"Yes sir," Jim whispered, clinching his jaw and mentally counting prime numbers backward from 149. Anything to forestall his erection from betraying him.

"You are on the very edge," Spock said in a neutral voice, his thoughts carefully contained. He would not spy on his t'hy'la when he was in this condition, their bond quiet and barely felt by either.

"I am sir," Jim had to agree, taking a deep breath and attempting to back away from the pillow that was beckoning him with a promise of relief.

"We will give you a moment to recover," Spock decided, looking across Jim's prone body to see McCoy licking his lips, a bulge visible in his jeans. "You are not the only one aroused by this, t'hy'la."

"Mmm…" Jim responded, otherwise not acknowledging.

"Do you need to go into the bathroom for a moment? Before we use the flogger?" Spock asked Leonard.

"No. I'll be okay. I'll excuse myself afterwards," Bones said, gently rubbing Jim's hot backside in a nearly clinical method. "Are you going to be able to stand being flogged?"

"Yes Doctor," Jim agreed, slowly opening his eyes to look up at Spock. "Could I have some water, sir?"

"Of course," Spock agreed, pouring some from the pitcher at the ready on the bedside table. "Leonard?"

"Thank you, no," McCoy said with a shake of his head. He watched as Spock carefully placed the straw in Jim's mouth, waiting as he sipped the cooling water.

"Enough?"

"Yes sir," Jim agreed, laying his head back on the bed. "Thank you sir."

"You are welcome," Spock said, leaning down to gently kiss his head. "Are you ready?"

"Yes sir. Will you flog me, please, sir? Doctor?" Jim asked.

"Because you asked, we will," Spock said, standing up beside the bed. "This pain will be more intense than what you normally experience. You are to tell us if you are getting close to being overwhelmed."

"Do you understand?" McCoy added, still rubbing Jim's fiery backside.

"I understand, sirs. I will use my safeword if I am beginning to feel overwhelmed," Jim repeated.

"Very good. Leonard, would you care to begin?" Spock offered.

"I've never used a flogger," McCoy said, realizing he had made an unwelcome confession. Unwelcome to him. Not a surprise to either of the others.

"Nor have I," Spock confirmed. "We will learn as we go. We will not harm him."

"Okay," McCoy agreed, accepting it from Spock. The crystal handle had absorbed the warmth from Spock's hand, making it feel nearly alive to Bones. "Mmm…."

"Leonard?" Spock asked, one eyebrow raised in barely disguised amusement.

"Sorry. Lost in thought," McCoy admitted before looking down at Jim who was looking up at him patiently, only anticipation on his face. "Ready?"

Jim nodded, gasping from the pain. It was different from being spanked, this pain sharp and biting, not dull and familiar like a paddle or Spock's hand. The tendrils marred his flesh in ways the paddle never did, each strand joining its neighbor to cause searing pain to his ass. This pain would not be ignored or suppressed. It was alive, demanding attention, a cacophony of fire.

He had no idea how many times Bones had hit him when he broke. "Doctor," he whispered, his face wet from tears and sweat and quite possibly drool.

"All right, t'hy'la. He has stopped," Spock assured him, sitting on the bed to kiss Jim's head and rub over the unmarred skin of his shoulders. "You are all right."

"Hurts," Jim said, gasping for air. His breathing was labored and uneven, each inhalation causing a new wave of pain to crash over him. His arms hurt from fighting the restrains, his hips threatening to become displaced.

"I shouldn't have hit you so hard," McCoy said in apology, sitting on the edge next to Spock, studying his handiwork. The stripes of pain were red and vivid, several decorated with droplets of blood, staining Jim's skin in accusation.

"I'm sorry, sir," Jim said, burying his face in the covers.

"You have done nothing for which you need apologize, t'hy'la. It was more painful than we anticipated. You are not to blame."

"I… uhm…" Jim had to stop, the pain taking away the last of his breath.

"You're still hard," Bones said. There was a mix of surprise and admiration in his voice as he said it.

"Mmm…" Jim moaned, pulling on the restraints holding his arms above his head.

"Do you need me to free you?" Spock asked gently.

Jim shook his head, painfully moving closer to Spock's warm body.

"I understand," Spock said, laying next to Jim, careful not to jar him. He draped one warm arm over Jim's back, his hand caressing his hair. "You are safe."

"Safe," Jim whispered, turning his head to look at Spock, his eyes clouded with pain. "You disappointed?"

"Of course not. You were very brave. And you are not sobbing."

"Want to."

"I know that you do. There is no reason for you not to cry if that is how you are feeling."

Jim shook his head and closed his eyes again. He felt Spock shift next to him but he did not leave.

"Leonard is going into the bathroom," Spock said into Jim's ear. "He is very aroused."

"You?"

"I am. I can wait. When you are feeling better, I will enter you."

"No," Jim requested, shaking his head.

"Are you invoking your safe word?" Spock asked with a hard edge.

"No sir," Jim reluctantly admitted. "I'll behave."

"I will be gentle. Do you know why the handle of the flogger is shaped as it is?"

"It's a dildo, sir," Jim said, flinching slightly. He always hated that word but in his current state, he couldn't think of a different one.

"It is. I will insert it into you before I enter you."

"Yes sir," Jim agreed, taking a deep breath. "Could I have it now?"

"Not until Leonard returns. I promised he would witness it all," Spock explained.

"Yes sir."

"I do not know that you would be able to tolerate the pain of insertion just yet," Spock added.

"That may be why I want it, sir," Jim admitted.

"I see. I will check on Leonard's progress," Spock decided, kissing Jim before easing off the bed. "I will return very soon."

"Yes sir."

Spock crossed over to the bathroom door, listening for a moment before lightly knocking.

"Yeah," McCoy called.

"Are you nearly ready to return?"

"Yeah. Give me a minute to wash up."

"Very well," Spock said, returning to the bed to lay beside Jim. "Will you allow him to insert it? Or do you prefer I do it to you?"

"Will you decide, please sir?"

"I will," Spock confirmed, his arm again draped over Jim's back. "You are very obedient."

"Am I sir?"

"You are. I would go so far as to say that you are a very good boy. But I do not want you to think that I am subjugating you further."

"Oh," Jim said, trying to consider it through the haze of pain. "I want to be your good boy, sir."

"Very well," Spock agreed, watching Leonard approach in a pair of Jim's soft sleep pants. He had no doubt left them in the bathroom and they were far less constraining to Leonard than his jeans had been.

"Those are my pants, sir," Jim said with a tiny smile.

"They were originally mine. Until you stole them," McCoy reminded him sitting the bed opposite from Spock. "How are you doing?"

"Bad, sir," Jim admitted with a shrug.

"The pain is worse than he anticipated," Spock added unnecessarily.

"I want to say I'm sorry," Leonard said. "But I'm not."

"Understandably," Spock said, handing the flogger back to Leonard. "He has requested it be inserted now."

Rather than argue with Spock, Jim, or himself, Leonard accepted it and an antibacterial cloth he used to clean the handle. Once that was done, he coated it with plenty of lubricant before barely touching Jim's raw and red ass. "This is gonna hurt."

"I understand, sir," Jim replied, taking a deep breath. He could not stop a moan when McCoy fingers entered his crevice, spreading his flesh to expose the crinkled opening to his body. The tiny moan morphed into a full groan as Leonard carefully inserted the blunt tip of the handle into Jim's body.

"Is it too much?" Leonard asked when he had only an inch of the crystal inside Jim.

"No sir," Jim said, his voice strained, his hands in hard fists around the soft ties holding him immobile. He clinched his jaws against the intruding pain, lifting his hips away from the pillow.

"You need to relax," Leonard instructed, holding the handle still where it rested half way inside Jim's body.

"Are you holding yourself tightly on purpose?" Spock asked softly into Jim's ear.

"No sir. Hurts," Jim whispered, his breathing ragged.

"You were warned," Spock reminded him. "Relax so that Leonard may insert it the rest of the way."

"Yes sir," Jim said, relaxing back onto the surface of the wedge and the bed beneath his knees. "I'm sorry, sirs."

"You do not need to continually apologize, t'hy'la. Neither of us are angry," Spock assured him, watching the crystal handle disappear into Jim's beautiful backside. When it was inserted all the way to the hilt, it appeared as though he had sprouted a tail. An odd look but not entirely unattractive.

"It's in, sir?"

"It is. Does it still hurt?" Spock asked.

"Not as much as it did, sir," Jim acknowledged, shifting his hips slightly and gasping in reaction. "Oh sir."

"You are about to come," Spock said.

"Yes sir," Jim breathed. "Please sir."

"You may ejaculate," Spock said sounding surprisingly clinical.

"Help me please sir?" Jim requested, already humping the pillow with great fervor.

"No. It is up to you," Spock said, caressing his back above the marks.

"Will he come by himself?" Bones asked, shifting slightly as Jim's hips moved in an ages-old dance.

"He will come without assistance or he will not come," Spock said, watching Jim. "He is capable of coming without further stimulation."

"The pillow sir," Jim requested, trying to move closer to it but each time he shifted, it moved further away.

"If it is not at the correct angle, you will have to wait," Spock informed him.

Jim sighed, his hips slowing and finally stopping. "I can't, sir," he breathed, shaking his head. An occasional shiver shot through his body, need and pain nearly overwhelming him.

"Very well," Spock said. He carefully untied Jim's hands and ankles waiting as he slowly rose to his knees, flinching as some of the skin of his back broke open, renewing the pain in bright flares. His erection was still rock hard, strings of fluid floating down to meet his thighs.

"You're going to… make love now?" Leonard asked breathlessly.

"Yes. You will remain?" Spock asked. He was removing his clothes, Leonard's eyes wide as more warm flesh was slowly revealed. Spock considered the Doctor's expression, deciding it was an interesting mix of excitement, pleasure, and contrition. Spock stood by the bed, his erection firm and flushed a darker green than the surrounding flesh, his legs slightly spread. He watched Leonard study him, a guilty start coming from the Doctor when their eyes met. "Will you?"

"Will I what?" Leonard asked in a strained voice.

"Stay."

"Yes," the Doctor agreed with a shaky nod. He glanced over at Jim who was watching them closely, his eyes narrowed not just from the pain. "Do you need me to leave?"

"No. But you can't touch him," Jim said, all submission gone from his voice.

"I won't, Jim. You have my word," Bones promised sincerely.

Jim nodded, leaning closer to Spock and lifting up enough to whisper into Spock's ear. Spock listened, kissing the side of Jim's head when he was finished.

Spock lay on his back next to Jim, looking up at him in admiration and undisguised affection. "Take me when you are ready."

Jim nodded, looking over his shoulder. "Should the Doctor remove it, sir?"

"Do you prefer to do it yourself?" Spock asked, his hands under his head as he continued to gaze up at Jim.

"The Doctor can, sir," Jim said, twisting so his back was to Bones, his legs wide apart.

"I'll be careful," Bones promised, one hand on Jim's shoulder as the other brushed against his raw skin. "Relax."

Jim nodded, waiting as Bones very carefully withdrew the hard intruder from his body, sighing when it was clear. "Thank you sir." The removal had made him even harder although he hadn't thought that was possible. His erection bobbed against his stomach, seeking completion. He tried to suppress some of the overwhelming arousal as he accepted the tube from the Doctor. "Thank you sir."

Spock watched with mild interest as Jim coated his green erection with the lubricant. His breathing was picking up speed, his eyes growing wider as Jim continued to touch him. "That will do."

Jim nodded, returning the tube to Bones before straddling Spock's hips. "May I touch you sir?"

"Because you have asked I will allow it," Spock agreed.

Jim nodded again, leaning over to place his hands lightly on Spock's chest, enjoying the additional heat radiating up and into his own body. He touched Spock reverently, slowly, worshipping him with his hands and eyes.

"You need to let me in," Spock instructed, a thin edge of impatience coming through.

Jim automatically rose on his knees, shifting backward until he encountered Spock's hardness. When his body was positioned correctly, he slowly lowered himself, moaning in the back of his throat. It was pleasure mixed up with pain, the two sensations fighting for dominance.

Spock was finally encased in his sore body and he had to remain still to accommodate his entire length. The handle had prepared him and had made him sore.

"You will move," Spock ordered, his hands on Jim's hard thighs, letting the blonde curls there tickle his palms.

Jim nodded, slowly rocking forward before returning straight up, the pain coming more to the forefront. Jim swiveled his hips, his prostrate impacting with the tip of Spock's hardness, lights exploding behind Jim's eyes. He heard a moan and was not entirely sure who had made the sound – him, Spock, or Bones. And it didn't matter. Spock was saying his name, caressing him with his voice, the love soothing the pains and the strain Jim was feeling. The intensity of the pleasure was forcing back some of the pain, the orgasm that had been denied for too long on the periphery of his consciousness.

"Please sir," Jim begged, staring down at Spock in hunger and need and pleading. He gasped when hot hands encircled his erection, bringing him the final connection that he needed. Before he could consider it, he was exploding all over Spock's stomach, Spock's orgasm contained inside his body and filling him with heat and lust and love.

When they were both finally complete, Jim was laying on top of Spock who was whispering into his ear. Jim couldn't understand what he was saying but he knew whatever it was meant 'I love you.'

"I love you too," Jim whispered into the closest pointed ear.

"As it should be," Spock confirmed, looking over Jim's shoulder to find Leonard in a chair, his right hand inside his pants, his face slack in satisfaction. "Leonard also came."

Jim nodded against Spock's shoulder, kissing his neck before carefully rising up on his elbows. "You okay Bones?"

"Dear God yes," Bones agreed. "Thank you both."

"You're welcome," Jim said, relaxing back on top of Spock. "My ass really really hurts."

"Should I take the pain?" Bones offered, managing to stir from where he was lounging.

"Mostly inside," Jim clarified. "Spock can use the ointment when he comes back to consciousness."

"I am fully aware," Spock said, not bothering to open his eyes to prove it.

"Okay," Jim said. "Did you enjoy it?"

"I think you already know the answer to that," Bones said. "Probably I enjoyed it a little more than by rights I should have."

"But it isn't the first time you've at least watched," Jim said, no accusation in his tone. Only certainty and a little curiosity.

"I'm not sayin'," Bones said with a shrug. "You are more coherent that I expected you to be."

"Endorphins. I'll crash soon. And it won't be pretty."

"It will not," Spock agreed. "Leonard, you need to treat the cuts on his backside please."

Bones nodded and slowly stood from the chair, a telltale damp spot on the crotch of Jim's pants. He looked down at them before catching Jim's eye. "I'll get you new ones next shoreleave."

Jim shrugged at that, laying still on top of Spock, enjoying his warmth beneath him and the strong arms wrapped around him. The crash was coming closer and he did not have the strength to hold it at bay. "Spock."

"It is all right, t'hy'la. I am here. I am not going anywhere," Spock whispered to him, allowing their bond to unfurl and surround Jim with warmth and love and security. Bones watched Jim crumble as he treated the open cuts, erasing some of the marks and their pain.

Jim was shivering uncontrollably, shaking which did not diminish when Bones pulled the comforter over them. Rather than remain and witness that to which he should not be privy, he silently left their quarters, returning to his own to consider all that he had seen and all that he had done.


	5. Chapter 5

Jim made himself sit motionless as the door to their quarters slid open. He refused to acknowledge his sweaty palms or the perspiration slowly rolling from his underarms down his side. He unconsciously licked his lips as he felt Spock drawing nearer.

Spock stopped when he saw Jim sitting naked on the edge of their bed, his paddle across his knees. "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded.

"I…uhm…I need to be punished, sir," Jim said quietly. He would not look away from the dark eyes that were studying him, fire and…something else shining there.

"When did it become your decision?" Spock asked, his fists on his hips. That he was unsure what had brought this on was not in consideration. Jim would tell him. Or he would not. The indisputable fact remained that Jim was requesting to be punished and that was all he needed to know at the moment.

"I apologize for being presumptuous, sir. I know that it's not ordinarily allowed," Jim said, leaving the bed to kneel in front of Spock. "I…uhm…need your help."

"I do not know that I am inclined to provide you any assistance. I have much work that I must see to. I have not eaten dinner."

Jim nodded, his eyes trained on the hard floor under his knees. "May I wait until you have the time, sir?"

Spock sighed quietly, in no hurry to exchange his uniform for soft black pants and shirt. "Come, little boy," Spock invited. Or ordered. He sat on the love seat, watching Jim crawl over to him. "Tell me why."

Jim took a deep breath, not daring to look up at Spock, to see the disappointment in his eyes, the dismay he knew he would find there.

"Why are you making me wait?" Spock asked firmly.

"Apologies, sir," Jim said. "I am not worthy of your assistance. I know this. But you have been willing to provide it to me in the past."

"Why are you the center of this discussion? I grow tired of your egocentrism. Excise all first person pronouns from your language."

Jim frowned at that, wondering if he were able to do it. "Yes sir," he said as he considered this new twist.

"Now. Tell me what has brought this on. I may be willing to give you that which you need. But I am not inclined to do so."

"Yes sir," Jim said, licking his lips in nervousness. "The mission on Athakra. It was a complete disaster. I…uhm…the blame goes here."

"You are not to blame, little one. We all share the fault," Spock said, his voice much gentler. This was no longer about Jim simply submitting to him. This was not about him finding the pleasure in the pain.

"Sir," Jim said in request, sneaking a peek up at him. "You are blameless. You did exactly as required. The fault is with…your commanding officer."

Spock shook his head at that. They had already had this argument. Several times. Spock thought they had resolved it. He was clearly wrong. His sense of resolution was not shared by his Captain. There was nothing that could have been done to save the three crew members who died on the away mission. It was a horrible, stupid misunderstanding. No one could have anticipated it or avoided it.

But Jim believed he was to blame. He took every death as a personal failure. It was not rational but it was true.

"What do you desire from my assistance? What do you want?" Spock finally asked.

"It is for you to decide, sir," Jim told him.

"Is paddling sufficient? Should I make you go for your flogger?"

Jim shivered when Spock mentioned the flogger but he would not argue. If Spock wanted him to go and fetch it, he would obey. He was surrendering to Spock and that acquiescence had to be total. Or there was no purpose to it. "It is for you to decide, sir," Jim repeated, no hint of challenge in his voice. Submission complete.

"You have touched your paddle without my permission. That adds to your punishment."

"Yes sir," Jim agreed automatically.

"Should I call the Doctor? That is your decision," Spock hastened to tell him, forestalling Jim from making it Spock's decision.

"You are all that is required, sir," Jim said, not refusing, simply informing him of how he felt at that moment.

"Go for your flogger. You may walk." Spock was willing to provide to his bondmate what he needed. He was not willing to allow him to debase himself.

"Thank you, sir," Jim acknowledged, walking over to the bureau to take the flogger from where it waited in the bottom drawer. He had never before been granted permission to open that drawer and even now he felt as though he was violating the rules. "Sir," he said when he returned, offering the flogger to Spock with shaking hands after going once more to his knees.

Spock accepted it, looking from Jim to the flogger and back. "When we started this," Spock said thoughtfully. "It was about fulfilling your desire. Your need to feel the pain. It was not about punishment."

"Yes sir," Jim agreed, addressing the floor instead of his t'hy'la. He allowed Spock's warm finger under his chin to lift his head to meet Spock's eyes that held affection and… more. Respect? Admiration? That didn't seem right.

"Tell me why it has become about punishment," Spock requested quietly. Not demanded. Asked. A need to understand.

"Trust. You won't harm your t'hy'la. You understand that it's sometimes all too much. You will help provide the release that's needed."

Spock considered those words. "We could go to the gym. We could run the hallways until you were exhausted by it."

Jim took a deep breath, his eyes wide. "Yes," he finally breathed. "Is that your preference?"

"That's not what I am saying, love. I am saying that there are alternatives to you being beaten for actions over which you have no control. For which you are blameless."

"I don't feel blameless," Jim said, knowing this was no longer about his submission. It was about his mental well-being. "I should have stopped it from happening."

Spock left the loveseat to sit in front of Jim, their knees touching. "Jim," he said softly, shaking his head.

"I know. I know you think it's not my fault. But it is. I didn't save them. I let them die. That _is_ my fault, Spock," Jim said.

"You have had other crew die. It is always difficult. Why are these three deaths weighing more heavily than any others?" Spock asked.

"It's the others too," Jim said. "It's all of them. The ghosts of all 45 crew members we've lost. And Anna was so young. She was barely 19." Jim stopped, shaking his head.

"She chose to join Starfleet, love. We all know the risks. It is tragic, yes. It is also unavoidable."

"NO," Jim said, leaning back, away from Spock. "No. I can't believe that. I can't believe that any death is acceptable."

"I did not say their deaths are acceptable. I said that it will continue to happen. No one can prevent that. Not you. Not me. Not Leonard. As much as I loath resorting to clichés, death is a part of life."

"That doesn't make it okay," Jim said quietly.

"Of course it does not make it acceptable. It _is_ an immutable fact."

Jim shook his head again, leaning closer to the warmth radiating from his bondmate. "What if next time it's you?" he whispered.

"You would grieve and you would go on."

"No. I'd die too," Jim said.

"You would go on," Spock corrected. "I am not saying it would be easy. I am saying that you would."

"Will you punish me, please? I know it's hard for you. But if I don't do something to… make amends, I'm afraid I'll go out of my mind," Jim said in quiet confession.

"If I punish you, can it ever return to being purely about the pain? About the surrender?"

"Yes. I think so. Maybe. I don't know," Jim said with a sigh.

"I will ask Leonard to come. He will be able to make it solely about the punishment. Then what you and I share will not be altered by it," Spock said, a warm hand on the side of Jim's face.

"Yes," Jim agreed. "You won't leave me, right?"

"Of course not. I will be here the entire time. And when you are sufficiently punished, I will hold you and comfort you and sooth you."

Jim nodded. "I'll ask him to come. It's only right that I request it from him."

"Are you sure, love? You know that I will ask."

"I need to do it," Jim said, slowly standing to cross over to the comm. "Bones?"

"Yeah Jim. You okay?" Bones asked, no alarm in his voice.

"I'm fine. Can you come to our quarters when you get a chance? I need a favor."

"A favor?" Bones repeated.

"Yeah. Something Spock could give me but would be better coming from you this time," Jim said, hoping Bones understood.

"Oh. You sure?"

"Very sure. Please."

"All right. I'll be there in 10 minutes. That okay?"

"It's fine. Thanks," Jim said, disconnecting and sitting on the love seat next to Spock who had been studying him the entire time. "You're angry."

"Yes. Not at you. At the circumstances. At those in your past who caused you to believe you deserve the pain."

Jim shrugged one bare shoulder, sliding down until his head rested on Spock's lap. Long fingers threaded through his short hair, comfort in the touch. "I'm sorry."

"You know there is no reason for you to apologize. Will you tell Leonard why you are requesting the punishment?"

"I'll have to. He may not do it otherwise."

"He may not if you do tell him," Spock suggested.

Jim shrugged again. "I can't lie to him. If he refuses, we'll run the corridors until I can't stand up."

"Very well," Spock agreed, leaning down to kiss Jim's head. "I will request that he only paddle you. The flogger is more painful than you need."

"Okay," Jim had to agree. "I don't want him to hit me but I don't have any choice."

Spock did not respond right away, the steady rhythm of his fingers through Jim's hair providing comfort as they waited. "I wish that I could convince you otherwise."

"I do too. But I have to do it. If I could stand it without you, I'd say you wouldn't have to witness it."

"That is not an option, t'hy'la. Witnessing it is not the concern. Knowing you desire it is what hurts me."

"I'm sorry," Jim said softly. "Please don't be angry at me."

"I am not. Why do you still believe that I am?" Spock asked gently.

"Because I think I deserve it?" Jim guessed.

"That makes sense," Spock said. "In a convoluted kind of way."

"Convoluted?" Jim repeated with a small smile. "I'm pretty sure you've never used that word before."

"You have made many alterations to my vocabulary. And I do not regret any one of them."

"Well, that's good, I guess. The not minding I mean."

"Love alters those who are fortunate enough to find it. You have tamed me," Spock said.

"Like the fox in _The Little Prince,"_ Jim agreed.

"Precisely. _'…If you tame me, my life will be filled with sunshine. I'll know the sound of footsteps that will be different from all the rest. …Wheat fields say nothing to me. Which is sad. But you have hair the color of gold. So it will be wonderful, once you've tamed me! The wheat, which is golden, will remind me of you…'_ That is you, t'hy'la. Golden wheat."

"Did Amanda read you that story when you were little?" Jim guessed, looking up at Spock in love.

"She did. It was one of her favorites. You read it as a child?"

"No. Not until I met Bones. It's one of his favorites too," Jim said with a fond smile. "Surprising, I know, that Dr. Grumpy would like so…sentimental a story. But he does."

"He is a sentimentalist at heart. His gruff exterior is his armor," Spock confirmed.

"It is. He'll thank you for not admitting that you know," Jim said.

"I would never betray him in such a manner," Spock assured Jim. "Come."

"Hey," Bones said as he entered, surveying Jim laying naked on the loveseat, Spock's fingers buried in his hair.

"Hi," Jim said, looking up at him with clear blue eyes. "Thanks for coming."

"What's this all about?" Bones asked, pulling a chair from their table to sit in it backwards as he faced the loveseat.

"I can't seem to believe I'm not to blame for the deaths of the crew members," Jim said. "I know it's not really my fault. But I can't release the guilt over it."

Bones continued to study Jim as he finished his explanation, dark hazel eyes seeing too much for Jim's comfort. McCoy's gaze finally shifted to Spock who looked less certain than did Jim. "I don't know."

Jim sighed at that, rubbing his cheek on Spock's thigh.

"I also am hesitant," Spock said.

"This was never about you _deserving_ punishment," Bones said. "It was about you wanting it."

"I know," Jim agreed.

"If it's purely punitive, will it make you hard? Will that be a punishment?" the Doctor asked evenly, no judgment in the words.

"I don't know," Jim said.

"If you are the one inflicting the punishment, it may not arouse him," Spock suggested. "I will not touch him while you are paddling him. That may be enough to prevent his arousal."

"Jim?" Bones asked, studying him again.

"I don't know," Jim repeated. "I'm not aroused at the thought. Usually the anticipation is enough. Not this time."

Bones nodded slowly at that, standing up. He pushed the chair further away from the loveseat and accepted the paddle from Spock. Jim licked his lips as he watched, wondering if it was too late to change his mind. "Lean over the chair. Grip the seat," McCoy ordered, taking the decision out of Jim's hands.

Jim slowly sat up, looking over at Spock who only gazed back, his expression blank to Jim who had no idea what he might be thinking. Tearing his eyes away from this bondmate, Jim looked instead up at Bones who was bouncing the paddle impatiently against his thigh.

"I ain't got all day, you know. Get over here and assume the position," Bones said sternly, pointing at Jim and then the chair with the paddle.

"I…I've changed my mind," Jim said, shaking his head.

"That's just too damn bad. You dragged me down here. You asked me to take care of you. Now get over here before I get really pissed."

Jim shook his head again, looking at Spock in a plea for assistance. Spock's non-expression did not vary. Jim had made his choice. The consequences were now his alone to face.

"I said get over here," McCoy repeated, grabbing Jim by the upper arm and hauling him over to the chair. Had Jim been determined to resist, he could have remained seated. But as it was, he allowed Bones to propel him over to the chair. "Bend over. Grab hold of the seat."

Jim nodded, doing as instructed, his feet spread apart. He tried to make himself relax but he was too nervous to release any of the tension that had built up in his body.

"I'm hittin' you 10 times for botherin' me, 5 times for not doin' as I said, 5 times for takin' out the paddle without permission, and 5 times on general principle. You have anything to say before I get started?" Bones asked, his voice hard and utterly without sympathy.

"No sir," Jim said.

"What do you say now?"

"Please sir, will you hit me 25 times?"

"What's the safe word?" Bones asked.

"Parking brake, sir," Jim said automatically. But there was no way he was going to invoke it. Bones was making this a challenge and Jim Kirk was never one to back down from a challenge.

"Fine. Spock, if you would be so kind as to count, we'll get this show on the road."

Jim felt rather than saw Spock nod in agreement and he tried again to relax before the first blow landed. It hurt more than it should have, more than when Spock hit him. And it felt awkward, wrong, out of synch. He concentrated on the sound of Spock's voice as he methodically counted each blow, the pain building quickly. There was fire in the muscles of his ass, the skin stretched too tight to contain it all. His fingers hurt from holding to the edge of the seat, and his feet felt the strain of trying to stay still and not dance out of the way of the next blow before it could land.

By the time Spock announced number 14, Jim wasn't sure he was going to succeed in taking them all. His face was nearly as hot as his backside, sweat, snot, and tears mixing to slide down his skin. He hated that he had requested this punishment, hated himself for his weakness in needing it, hated Bones for agreeing to inflict it.

He was panting, his chest heaving in an attempt to get sufficient air into his lungs. His ears were ringing, the blows echoing off the walls of their quarters, a delay between feeling the pain of the impact until he heard the contact. Time slowed and he began to feel a disconnect between what was happening and how he felt. He was submerged in jello, the sensations and sounds muffled and distant. It still hurt each time Bones hit him but he considered the pain rather than experienced it. Alternate strikes were more painful, the in-between ones lighter. Was that to disorient him? Keep him from expecting any consistence? Were those soft grunts his? It didn't sound like him. That voice wasn't his either. Who was talking to him? Was that Spock? What was he saying? Should he respond? Maybe it was some kind of test. He didn't remember being told not to speak but maybe he wasn't allowed to.

"Jim," Spock said sharply, lifting his chin so that he was looking at his bondmate's worried expression.

"Yeah?" Jim responded automatically because Spock was so clearly expecting him to say _something_.

"Are you with me?" Spock asked, light tendrils of their bond reconnecting.

"No," Jim admitted, taking a deep breath and squinting in an effort to get Spock into focus. He was submerged in the jello too, his edges indistinct, his outline blurred.

"You must return to me," Spock urged, caressing the side of his face.

"He done?" Jim whispered, licking his lips.

"I'm done," Bones agreed, slowly oozing into his field of vision.

"Oh," Jim said, staring but not seeing. "What now?"

"Come," Spock said, wrapping a warm welcome arm around Jim's waist and guiding him to their bed. "Lay down. I will join you when I am undressed."

"Are you fucking me?" Jim asked in a detached voice.

"No," Spock said, leaning down to kiss him lightly. "Leonard is going to take some of the pain then we are sleeping."

"No," Jim said, shaking his head.

"No?" Bones asked, sitting on the bed next to Jim.

"Pain's mine. You can't have it," Jim said, staring up at Bones with red, swollen eyes.

Bones looked over Jim's body to meet Spock's eyes. He didn't know how to respond and hoped that Spock did.

Spock finished undressing, slipping into bed next to Jim. "T'hy'la," Spock said, stroking his unmarked back.

"Yeah?" Jim responded, turning his head toward Spock. He was still a blur but was slowly resolving into better focus.

"You will not be able to sleep without Leonard's assistance. You have been adequately punished. He can relieve some of the pain so that it will not be disturbing."

"It's hurting you?" Jim asked.

"Yes," Spock said. It wasn't entirely untrue. The fact that Jim was in such pain hurt Spock to see even if he was not sharing the actual, physical pain.

"You don't deserve spanking," Jim said softly.

"Neither did you. Will you allow Leonard to assist you?"

"Is that what you want me to do?"

"Yes it is," Spock confirmed.

"'Kay. If you want it, then okay." He was vaguely aware of someone sighing but was pretty sure it wasn't him. Bones probably. Spock didn't sigh as a rule. "Oh," Jim said when he felt a hypospray being pressed into this neck. That had to be Bones, right? Spock didn't do that to him. No, Spock was petting him, telling him something, what was it? It was too much of an effort to figure it out. Jim gave up fighting and let Bones' potion work its unwelcome magic.

* * *

_A/N: When I first started posting this story, I confessed that I had reservations about allowing it to see the light of day. Those reservations remain and may even be magnified. I am totally of two minds about this story - acknowledging that my muses need it to be written is warring with wishing I could pretend I had never done it. It has elicited some really interesting responses from you, dear readers. That is a dialog I cherish and one I hope will continue. _

_Thanks for reading this story and please let me know what you think. Your positive reinforcement is, honestly, the only thing that keeps me from deleting this story from fanfiction and my laptop._


	6. Chapter 6

Spock lay awake, watching Jim sleep, the pain evident on his face. There was a crease between his eyes that spoke of discomfort, and that he remained restless meant he was unwilling to surrender to McCoy's efforts. Spock knew it would not be long before Jim defeated the medication and resurfaced, the pain winning out over blissful oblivion.

Jim shifted, his feet moving beneath the sheets before his eyelids fluttered open. "Hey."

"You should still be asleep," Spock said, the back of his hand caressing Jim's warm cheek.

Jim shook his head into his pillow. "You're worried. And I'm sorry."

"You have no reason to apologize. I am concerned."

Jim took a deep breath, focusing his bleary eyes on Spock. "I know. Bones left?"

"He did, 41 minutes ago. Once you had fallen asleep. We are to call him if we need him," Spock said, studying Jim as he lay still. "Did he provide you what you needed?"

Jim considered that question, closing his eyes and allowing the pain to have sway. It was worse than he had anticipated, deeper, firmer. It didn't want to be contained and he couldn't separate it from his thoughts. "I don't know. I think I'm mad he did it."

"You are angry even though you requested it?" Spock asked quietly, no judgment in the words but Jim felt like Spock had slapped him. He gasped softly.

"Yes. I'm mad at you too," he said in quiet realization.

"Because I allowed it."

"Yes," Jim whispered, a slow tear running down his nose to land on his pillow. "You've always protected me."

"I don't know that I can protect you from yourself, t'hy'la. I try but you are a particularly dynamic individual. This makes you capable of commanding your starship."

"And makes you incapable of stopping me from hurting myself," Jim added.

"There are times I can succeed. Not every time."

"Yeah," Jim was forced to agree. "I don't want to mad at either of you. But I am."

"Do you want me to leave? Go to my old quarters?"

"No. No – please don't leave me," Jim requested, looking up at Spock in pleading.

"As long as you wish me to remain, you know that I will," Spock said, leaning down to kiss the side of Jim's head.

Jim nodded, sighing quietly. He turned onto his side to face Spock. Untangling one hand from the covers, he reached up to stroke Spock's cheek. Spock turned into his hand, kissing his palm. "You never thought it'd be this hard, did you?"

Spock wanted to pretend he didn't know what Jim was asking but that would be disingenuous. He knew exactly what Jim meant by the statement. "I do not honestly know," Spock said. "I have loved you for so long, I cannot imagine my life without you in it."

Jim smiled at that, the smile shallow and barely more than a grimace. "That doesn't mean you are satisfied with the way things have turned out."

"You mustn't try to put words in my mouth, love. I understood your complexities before we entered our relationship."

"My complexities," Jim repeated, tasting the word. He didn't think he liked that term but he had to admit there was truth in putting it to him. "You love me enough to accept them."

"You know that I do. When we married, the vows I took were my promise to you. That I would love and cherish you forever."

Jim nodded at that, studying Spock and seeing the certainty. "Forever."

"And whatever may be beyond that," Spock said.

"But you want me to stop asking to be punished," Jim said, feeling that hesitation deep in Spock's unconscious.

"When it is purely recreational, I have no such reservations. When we do it as a prelude to lovemaking, I will admit to enjoying it."

"I know you do," Jim agreed. "Not necessarily hurting me. But having dominion over me."

"Yes," Spock admitted reluctantly. "I speculate it is a reemergence of the Vulcan warrior past."

"Makes sense," Jim said. "Could help when you enter pon farr."

"It may. It may make it more complex. When you request punishment for perceived wrong-doing, it is vastly different."

"I've only done it twice," Jim said, sounding childish and defensive to his own ears. "It's not like I do it all the time."

"I was not implying that you have done it too much. I simply do not believe it is a healthy way to find exoneration."

Jim considered those words, wondering at the flare of anger they caused. Was it because Spock was right and he didn't want to admit it? Was it because he was afraid Spock would stop altogether?

"I cannot help but feel your anger, t'hy'la. Will you use your words to explain?"

"What if I don't have the words I need?" Jim asked quietly, not in defiance. In concern that he was not able to truly explain those inner demons that drove him to seek physical pain as a relief.

"You are inordinately articulate. Begin speaking and the words will sort themselves," Spock promised.

"Mmm…" Now that Spock had called him articulate, he wasn't sure he could repeat his own name.

"Did you start bar brawls in order to suffer for unspoken offenses?" Spock finally asked, seeing Jim's need for a prompt.

"Bones thinks I did. You think so too. It was never intentional," Jim said, considering all of the fights in which he had engaged, many of which he started. And some he could have walked away from if he had chosen to do so. But he didn't walk away. He hurled himself with abandon into the fray, giving as good as he got. "Okay. There were times I did it on purpose," he had to admit.

"You risked much by fighting. You could have been expelled from the Academy."

"Pike probably saved me more times than I know. He's never held it against me and never throws it in my face."

"Because he knows Starfleet is where you belong. For all your self-destructive tendencies," Spock said.

"Isn't self-destructive a little extreme?" Jim asked. "I spend as much time getting us out of trouble as I used to spend getting myself into it."

"Yet there are times you _could_ settle disputes without resorting to physical altercations. You run where angels fear to tread," Spock said, caressing his hair as Jim considered those words.

"You don't believe in angels," Jim reminded him with a tiny smile. "I don't think I believe in them either. But I do get your point. Fists _can_ be more effective than words."

"Yes," Spock agreed. "You often skip the words and go directly to the fisticuffs."

"Yeah," Jim sighed. "But not solely for the pain. For the… chance to prove I can do it. That I won't be defeated by anybody. Sometimes it's about _not_ losing."

"You spent much of your childhood being a victim," Spock said softly. "You still feel the need to prove that you will not allow that to be your fate again."

"A victim," Jim repeated, considering it. Yeah, as much as he hated the word, it was true. There had been way too many times he had felt helpless, left to sway in the wind with no anchor to keep him firmly in place. He was still proving that he would never again be subject to the whims of anyone - bigger, stronger, meaner. He would fight rather than risk being hurt. "I am totally fucked up, aren't I?"

"Not totally," Spock teased, kissing him. "Yours was an unfortunate childhood. You have done an admirable job of setting it aside in most areas of your life."

"Most areas," Jim said.

"Yes," Spock said. "And if you are not willing or capable of keeping yourself safe, I will."

"You always do," Jim agreed.

"As such, I will no longer allow you to seek punishment for perceived wrongs," Spock said, kissing him lightly.

"I don't think you are in any position to allow or not allow that," Jim said, his anger bubbling up all over again. He painfully moved away from Spock, no contact between them.

"I will no longer participate in punishment if it is not recreational in nature," Spock revised. "And Leonard has said the same."

Jim closed his eyes, considering those words. He was angry and… hurt. That they would make that decision without consulting him. He wasn't a child. Why were they treating him like one?

"You know that you are being childish, t'hy'la."

"Stop spying on me," Jim said in a hard voice. He turned over so he was facing away from Spock, breathing deeply in a futile effort to restore calm to his racing thoughts and pulse. "You have no right to make that decision."

"I have every right," Spock countered. "I am the one from whom you request the punishment. You believe that has no effect on me?"

"Of course it does," Jim said softly. "I'm feeling…."

"Breathe deeply, love. You are safe. You have no reason to panic."

"Reason or not, it's happening," Jim said, struggling out of the bed and over to the bathroom. He knew Spock would come to the bathroom as soon as he contacted Bones. He was still heaving into the toilet as Spock knelt next to him. "I'm sorry," he gasped.

"You have no reason to be sorry," Spock assured him gently. "Why are you panicked?"

"I don't know," Jim said, the sweat chilling him as it broke out all over his trembling body. He leaned back against the hard cabinet doors, making himself breathe evenly. "Bones is coming?"

"He'll be here momentarily," Spock said, caressing Jim's sweaty hair. "Breathe, t'hy'la."

As promised, it wasn't long before Bones arrived. He quickly scanned Jim, showing the results to Spock.

"What?" Jim asked as he tried very hard not to hyperventilate.

"It's an adrenaline crash," Bones said with a distinct lack of sympathy.

"I don't usually have them."

"The endorphins prevent it. You weren't aroused. You didn't climax. The adrenaline wasn't replaced with endorphins," Bones explained.

"Oh," Jim said, shivering as Spock wrapped warm arms around him. "I'm sorry you're so angry."

"At myself. Not at you," Bones said, wiping the chilled sweat from Jim's forehead. "Let's get you back in bed and I can give you another sedative."

Jim nodded, allowing Spock to help him stand and return to the bed.

"You should still be asleep from the first one," Bones said, carefully applying the hypospray to Jim's neck. "Please don't fight this one."

"I'll try not to," Jim said, moving closer to the warmth radiating from Spock.

"What happened?" Bones asked Spock as he waited to make sure Jim would sleep.

Spock explained, Bones agreeing with his assessment. "It's all very complicated."

"That is something of an understatement," Spock said. "I told him we will no longer provide punishment for transgressions. That is when he became ill."

"It was just a matter of time. You could have been talking about duty rosters and it would have happened."

"The first sedative delayed the reaction?" Spock asked.

"Yeah. He should be fine when he wakes up this time," Bones said gently. "I'm going to go back to sickbay unless you need me to stay."

"We are fine, Leonard. Thank you. I will alert you if he needs you when he wakes."

"All right," Bones agreed, scanning Jim one last time. Satisfied with the readings, he silently left their quarters.


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: To those of you who have been patiently waiting for an update to this somewhat... different story, thank you. And I hope you aren't disappointed in this chapter. It's much much lighter in tone than the other chapters that came before it. If/when there is a chapter 8, it will be more in the vein of the previous 6 chapters. But I needed to answer the question "what would happen if there was a red alert while Jim and Spock were...busy?" Answering that question just didn't lend itself to seriousness so this chapter is fluff. Fluffy like the bathrobe Jim ends up wearing on the bridge. Anyway, here it is. Let me know what you think? Or not. Since it's soooo different from the other chapters of this particular story._

* * *

"Hey," Jim said with a bright smile when Spock entered their quarters.

"Captain," Spock teased, rounding the desk to kiss his Human on the head. "What has caused this expression of delight on your face?"

"Three days off. An increasingly rare treat for the best command team in Starfleet."

"How is it you know of the schedule followed by Captain Muir and Commander Carmichael?"

Jim snorted, grinning up at him. "Kiss me. Then I might forgive you."

"Your forgiveness is never in doubt," Spock reminded him, kissing him as requested.

"Will you spank me?" Jim whispered in Spock's beautiful ear as Spock kissed his neck and chewed his ear.

"Yes. I know you have missed it."

"Uh huh. And it's completely recreational," Jim assured him.

"I am aware. Tonight I will," Spock promised. "For now, it's time for dinner."

"Right," Jim agreed, standing to stretch, making sure his shirt rode up so Spock could get a peak at his golden skin. "You're staring."

"You taunt me on purpose," Spock accused, shaking his head.

Jim shrugged, going out into the corridor, Spock next to him. "Is Bones joining us in the mess?"

"As I understand it," Spock agreed.

"Kay. Good."

They made their slow way to the mess, talking with those who wanted a word with them, finally arriving to select their dinners and sit at the Captain's table with Leonard.

"Do y'all want to go to the space station with me in the mornin'?" Leonard asked as they lingered over coffee, tea, and conversation.

"Probably not," Jim said. "We're going to sleep in."

Bones looked from Jim to Spock and back. "All right. What are you not tellin' me?"

Jim shrugged innocently, finishing his coffee and standing up. "We'll see you tomorrow at lunch."

"I will be there shortly," Spock said, looking up at him, his affection clearly written on his face to the most casual observer.

"If you want to talk about me, just say so," Jim laughed.

"Go," Bones said, watching him leave the mess, his steps light. "He ask you to punish him?"

"He did. It is purely recreational."

"I do know that. He shouldn't crash this time. If he does, just let me know and I'll come. I don't have a date tonight."

"I understood you and Nyota were becoming 'an item' as Jim would say," Spock said, a sparkle in his eyes.

"He would say that. We're friends. More than friends," Bones said with a shrug.

"But?" Spock asked.

Bones shrugged again. "I got no real idea. Go take care of your infant. And I'll see y'all at lunch."

"Good night," Spock agreed, standing and leaving the mess. He went straight back to their quarters where he found Jim studying his monitor. "T'hy'la."

"Hi," Jim said with a smile. "You two have a cozy chat?"

"It was about an especially egotistical man-child of our mutual acquaintance," Spock teased.

"Humph," Jim responded. "For that, you can go sleep with him. You are already talking like him."

"I would much rather sleep with you. With your backside in flames because I punished you," Spock said, whispering the words that should not have been so seductive into Jim's ear.

"Me too," Jim agreed, shifting in an effort to relieve some of the pressure on the erection that had formed without his permission.

"You need to undress and lay face down on our bed," Spock said softly, biting the lobe of Jim's ear.

Jim nodded as well as he could, closing his eyes to breathe in the essence of Spock. "Okay."

"Do you know what I said?" Spock asked quietly, the words tickling Jim's hair.

"Naked. Face down."

"Yes," Spock agreed, backing up slightly and holding out his hand. Jim took it and allowed Spock to lead him over to their bed. Spock sat on the edge as Jim slowly removed each article of clothing, revealing more of his beautiful body to Spock.

"I'm not beautiful. Except to you," Jim said, leaning against Spock's knees when he was completely bare.

"You are wrong about that. You are an extraordinary example of the Human form."

"Okay," Jim agreed because he saw no point in arguing. Spock stood before him, kissing him hard and breathlessly before moving out of his way.

"Face down," Spock reminded him, rubbing over his backside. "I'll be here in a moment."

"Mmm…" Jim agreed, stretching out on his stomach on the sheets.

"Arms and legs wide," Spock said from the vicinity of their dresser. "And do not hump the mattress."

"Hump the mattress," Jim repeated with a laugh. "First off, how did you know? And secondly, who are you and what have you done with my Vulcan? The one that would never use the word 'hump'." Jim could see Spock raise one eyebrow in answer, not otherwise responding until he stood next to the bed.

Jim watched with casual disinterest as Spock wound soft ropes around his wrists before fastening the one closest to the headboard. Spock moved to the end of the bed, securing his feet with the soft ropes twined around his ankles. When both arms and both legs were tied, firmly but ensuring that no lasting harm would come to Jim, Spock sat on the bed next to him, rubbing over his backside.

"Do you wish to change your mind?" Spock asked warmly.

"I don't," Jim assured him, turning his head in order to see Spock. "Will you spank me, please?"

"Because you have asked, I will. Would you be amendable to the flogger? It has been a while and we have no pressing responsibilities the next three days."

"Yes please," Jim agreed. "And then you'll make love to me?"

"If you deserve it," Spock said, standing by the bed. "I will change out of my uniform and then we will begin."

"Do I get to watch?" Jim asked hopefully.

"Would I deprive you of one of your greatest joys?" Spock asked, making Jim laugh.

"Making love to you is my greatest joy," Jim corrected.

"And being on your Bridge, giving orders to your crew," Spock reminded him.

"Yeah. I'd give it all up for you," Jim said.

Spock shook his head, kissing Jim's head. "You will never need to choose."

"Good. I like being Captain."

"As I have discerned," Spock assured him, making Jim laugh. Spock had removed his uniform and pulled on one of his casual robes, long, black, and heavy. It wasn't one of his meditation robes. This one Jim thought was much cozier than the ones he wore when meditating. And he especially liked that there was nothing underneath the robe except Spock. "Are you ready, love?"

"Very. Will you be angry if I come while you are beating me?" Jim asked.

"I will be disappointed. I will not touch you if you do not refrain."

"Okay," Jim agreed, watching as Spock brought the flogger up, running it with a light touch over Jim's body, inside his thighs, tickling, teasing him. It raised goose bumps on Jim's skin and Spock knew it was not from being chilled. He had already turned up the temperature in their quarters to ensure Jim was not too cool.

Jim tried very hard not to brace himself as Spock raised the flogger and landed it on Jim's backside with a swish and an intense flair of pain. Before Jim could fully comprehend the first strike, Spock hit him again, the sound of the flogger cutting through the air warning him of the pain before it exploded.

He had no way of knowing how many times Spock had already hit him. Not that it especially mattered. His ass was consumed in flames and his head was pounding in sympathy with each heartbeat. He had reached the point when he wondered why he had thought this was a good idea and surely Spock would soon stop. But they hadn't discussed the number of times Spock was planning to use the flogger on him so if he didn't know if they were closer to the beginning or the ending of this session.

He thought that perhaps the blows were slowing which was really a good thing. He didn't think he could last much longer.

"Jim," Spock said gently, preparing to sit next to him. His intentions were waylaid by the unmistakable sound of the red alert klaxons blaring.

"Damn. Damn. Damn. Double-damn," Jim said in complete and utter dismay.

"Indeed," Spock had to agree, helping him free his hands and feet.

_Battle stations. All hands to battle stations. Captain Kirk. Report to the Bridge _the automated voice called and repeated, as though Jim didn't know he needed to get there with all deliberate haste.

"This better be good," Jim said as he painfully and carefully pulled on a pair of soft sleeping pants. No way in hell could he put on his uniform. These pants still rubbed his raw ass and did very little to hide his firm erection. He pulled on a matching shirt of soft black fleece and accepted the thick fleece robe Spock had retrieved out of their closet. Surely that would help disguise his state of arousal. "Shoes?"

Spock placed a pair of bedroom slippers before him and certain they were both ready, left their quarters in a rush. There was a hustle and bustle in the corridors as the crew reported to their designated stations.

The klaxons were still blaring when Jim and Spock arrived on the Bridge. Lieutenant Commander Lubchenco stood from the Captain's chair, surrendering it automatically to Jim who did not sit. She did not look at all surprised that he had arrived in his bathrobe for which he was silently thankful.

"Report," Jim ordered, glancing from Lubchenco to the viewscreen and back.

"Six point three four minutes ago, we were hailed by those who identified themselves as KaPuShens. They informed us that we were entering their space and we were to turn back."

"Weapons?" Kirk asked her.

"They fired, sir. No damage was reported."

"Return fire?" Kirk asked as he felt rather than saw the other members of the Command Crew take their places on the Bridge.

"No sir. As there was no damage, we did not," she said in her typical efficient and calm manner.

"Very good. I am assuming command," Jim told her.

"Yes sir," Lubchenco acknowledged, taking a seat just next to Uhura and telling her what they knew of the KaPuShens.

"Mr. Spock?" Jim asked, glancing over at Spock, trying very hard not to enjoy the view of his always attractive backside.

"I am reviewing the information now, sir," Spock said formally.

Jim nodded, returning his gaze to the viewscreen as he waited for his very capable crew to do their jobs.

"We're being hailed, sir," Uhura announced.

"On visual," Jim commanded, glancing back at her and taking only enough time to admire the red flannel pajamas she was wearing. Cozy, warm and undeniably sexy.

Uhura pressed the correct series of controls so that the screen was filled with what was presumably the commander of the KaPuShen ship. He (or she) seemed faintly cat-like, with ears on top of his (or her) head, whiskers that stuck straight out beside the small heart shaped mouth. He (or she) was not fur covered but had a button nose that was definitely reminiscence of an Earth feline's.

"Leave. Ours," he (or she) informed them.

"This is Captain James Kirk of the United Federation of Planets. We mean no you disrespect," Jim assured the other Captain.

"Leave."

"We have orders to retrieve one of our vessels which is disabled. As soon as we have done so, we will leave your territory." The Bridge crew waited patiently as the KaPuShen captain considered those words.

"Go," the Captain finally said. "Fire."

There was no impact felt from the tiny burst of light that emanated from the other vessel.

"We mean you no harm," Kirk emphasized. "We only intend to assist our disabled ship."

"Ours," the captain said sternly.

"Yes. We concede that," Kirk agreed, sounding a little exasperated to his own ears. Maybe if his ass wasn't in flames and his cock still rock hard, he might have a little more patience for this admittedly strange conversation. "We'll leave just as soon as we have retrieved our ship."

"Out."

Jim stopped himself from sighing at the stubbornness of the other captain. He was about to try again when he was stopped by Spock.

"Captain," Spock said quietly.

Jim looked over at him, signaling to Uhura to cut the transmission. "You have something, Commander?"

"Incoming," Sulu announced. He was sitting calmly at his station in Buck Rogers sleep pants that were a particularly putrid shade of lime green. Jim would have not necessarily noticed except Chekov's shirt was the matching top to Sulu's pants, just as Sulu's yellow and red shirt was the top half of Chekov's pants. "Shields at 100%."

"Are they firing BBs at us?" Jim asked no one in particular.

"Captain, from my readings, the KaPuShen ship is four point three nine meters in diameter and two point two eight meters in height."

"Kilometers?" Jim asked, certain that the twin sensations of pain and arousal that he seemed unable to suppress had effected his hearing.

"Meters, sir. It is four meters by two meters," Spock said, a certain amount of disbelief in his voice.

"Aye, sir," Chekov said, turning to look at the Captain, his face more pink than usual. Jim had a fairly good idea what he and Sulu were doing before the red alert sounded. "It is about the size of a large Earth car."

"Well," Jim said, looking over at the turbolift as it expelled Dr. McCoy. "This is an interesting situation."

"What's that, Captain?" McCoy asked, looking at the screen, his head tilted ever-so-slightly. "Is that the damn ship that keeps making our lights flash?"

"I thought you said no damage," Jim said to Sulu.

"No damage, sir," Sulu confirmed.

"Well," McCoy said, shrugging.

"Will it survive being seized by our tractor beam?" Jim asked.

"Affirmative," Spock said. "However, we could simply transport it aboard."

"No. I don't want to meet with them. I just want them to stop firing on us. As useless as it is. Scotty," Jim called into the intercom on the arm of his chair.

"Scott here, sir."

"Do you have the ship on your screen?" Jim asked.

"That I do," Scotty agreed.

"Good. Hold it in the tractor beam. And see if you can make the process…unpleasant for our new friends."

"I can," Scotty said.

"Uhura," Jim requested, motioning to the screen when Sulu reported that Scotty had engaged the beam.

"Release," the agitated Captain demanded. His (or her) ears were twitching in time with the whiskers that seemed to have grown longer in the interim.

"Well," Jim said, pretending to consider the order from the other Captain. "Turns out your ship will easily fit into one of our closets. Unless you want to spend the next week in darkness, contemplating the relative merits of friendship versus firing on us without provocation, you will let us get to our ship. Once we have retrieved it, we will leave your space."

"Mighty," the KaPuShen claimed, raising to its full height, which Jim guessed was about 20 centimeters. He'd had GI Joes growing up that were taller than the 'mighty' KaPuShen Captain.

"Mr. Scott. Please demonstrate to our new friend the real meaning of mighty," Jim requested calmly.

The KaPuShen captain was shaken from his chair and unceremoniously dumped on the floor of their bridge. The Enterprise crew heard what sounded distinctly like cats howling before their screen went dark.

"Think we got through to 'em?" McCoy asked, barely able to contain his laughter.

"Mr. Spock?" the Captain asked.

"They are disengaging weapons, Captain," Spock said.

"Captain," Uhura said. "They are signaling their surrender. They will accept any terms you deem appropriate."

"Tell them we don't want their surrender. We only seek their permission to pass through their space. If they will grant us that, we will release them with no harm coming to them or their ship," Jim said.

Uhura transmitted Jim's orders, waiting.

The screen illuminated itself with the KaPuShen captain looking appropriately chastised. "Friends?"

"Yes," Kirk agreed. "Would you care to come aboard and meet in person?"

"Tiny," the Captain said.

"We are aware. We will not fit on your ship. If you come aboard ours, we will be careful," Jim promised.

"Friends," the KaPuShen confirmed. "Tomorrow."

"Tomorrow will be perfect. On our ship it's 2300 hours. If you come at 1200 hours our time, we can share our midday meal. We'll talk and learn more about one another."

"Agreed."

"Very good. Good night."

"Sleep," the KaPuShen confirmed, the screen going dark once more.

"Well," Jim said, hands on his hips.

"Indeed," Spock said, moving to stand next to him.

"How far is it to the disabled freighter?" Jim asked Pavel.

"Ve vill arrive at those coordinates in 3.543 hours, sir," Pavel informed him.

"Very good. I am returning to my quarters. Providing no more miniature ships attack us, I will see you for Alpha. Good work everyone. You are dismissed."

The Alpha command crew left the Bridge, McCoy following Jim and Spock into the corridor away from the rest of the crew.

"You want me take some of the pain?" Bones asked Jim gently.

"Yeah. Otherwise I may crash. I hate when that happens."

"I know," Bones agreed, clapping him high on the shoulder. "I take it the cat people interrupted too soon."

"Something like that," Jim said, looking only at Spock. "You'll owe me."

"I don't want to know _what_ he owes you, do I?" Bones asked.

"Nope. Will you bring it to our quarters, please?" Jim requested.

"Sure," Bones grumped. "Because it doesn't matter if I get any sleep. As long as the infant Captain of this boat can go back to bed."

"Seriously? Why are you so mean to me? I don't deserve it," Jim protested innocently.

"You do," Bones and Spock both responded simultaneously.

"So not. Do you want to sleep with him?" he asked Spock in mock sternness.

"As you wish, Captain," Spock teased.

Jim snorted at him, taking his hand as they went back toward their quarters, certain McCoy would arrive shortly.


End file.
